Tales from La La Land

We have a dilemma.

Laef hasn’t been sold on the name Bruiser. Bruiser was Elle Woods’ dog’s name in Legally Blonde so that may or may not have something to do with it.

Last night as the cat was biting everything is site, including our feet, armpit hair (Laef), our noses and our eyelashes while we were trying to sleep so Laef decided he needed a new name.

Laef: “What about Bitey?”
Me:…
Laef: “No. What about Siegried. Or Roy. Or which one got their face bitten off?”
Me: “I have no idea and we are not naming him either.

So, today I get an email from Laef that says, “I am 100 percent in favor of Montecore.

Montecore is the kitten (albeit large kitten that bit Roy). He has his own myspace page and the headline reads: “Roy is not the victim. I am.” He’s also got a few pics and other priceless lines on his page.

Caption reads: Tiger Terror my ass – what’s terrifying is Roy’s bad plastic surgery.

Anyway, Laef likes Montecore. I’m not even sure how to say it.

We need some help a poll will be posted.

You may notice a pattern with the Q&As. As I mentioned before, I used to work in the Oregon athletic department. Among other things, one of my jobs was to coordinate interviews between players/coaches and the media.

Some coaches and players were very good with the media. They would show up, be friendly, give good answers and be very gracious. That always made my job a lot easier. Certain athletes were not so good. I won’t mention names (Terrence Whitehead, Dennis Dixon, Jonathan Stewart) because I don’t want to embarrass them in case they are reading. It’s not that these are bad guys. It’s that they basically get 10 free minutes to themselves each day during football season and spending it with the media was NOT what they wanted to do.

Guys like Jordan Kent and Adam Snyder would always come to the office right on time. Guys like Dennis Dixon had me searching every nook and cranny of the Casanova Center trying to find them. I swear to this day, I don’t know where the secret hiding spot is. Or, Terrence Whitehead would call 15 minutes after he was supposed to be there and say, “I need a ride.”

I get it. Answering the same questions for every single media outlet gets very old. But, I must say that for every time a media outlet thought they were being creative by asking Jordan Kent to don (I think Jordan was actually a Don, by the way) his track uniform, his basketball uniform and his football uniform he always said yes. And, three costume changes makes for very long photo shoots.

He is one of my favorites because of how friendly, classy and easy going he is. Oh, and he watches the E! channel.

Here we go…Jordan Kent, Receiver, Runner, Guard extraordinaire.

photo courtesy Oregon Daily Emerald

1. Introduce Yourself: Hi my name is Jordan Kent. I am currently a Wide Receiver for the Seattle Seahawks and graduated from Oregon in 2006

2. How many sports are you currently playing? I play just football right now, and some golf during the offseason!

3. You were lucky enough to remain in the Northwest, but what do you miss most about Eugene? I miss all the great restaurants and places to eat. There’s no Burrito Boy or Original Pancake House up here!

4. What’s been the hardest part about transitioning from college football to the NFL? The hardest part about the NFL transition was mastering all the little route and technical intricacies. You really have to be sharp at every point to get open at this level!

5. I heard you have a web site (http://www.uojkent.com). Is it solely to show off your golf swing? Yes my website is to solely show off my golf swing!

6. You are obviously multi-talented, so can you talk about things you are doing in your life right now. Please try to keep the list to under 100. Well I’m in training camp right now, so there isn’t much going on with me!

7. Speaking of multi-talented. Would you be willing to be on my beach volleyball team if you are ever in LA? I need an intimidation factor. I would love to! Can I at least wear some long shorts?

8. Did you have any track envy when the trials came to Eugene or are you completely at peace with your decision to focus on football? Of course I had track envy but that was to be expected. I am always going to miss basketball and track, but I am completely at peace with my situation. I have a very rare and wonderful opportunity!

9. But didn’t you want to be a part of the 800? Even if you came in fourth you’d probably still be in the photos. If I were part of the 800, I would have been in the photo for the following event because that’s how long it would have taken me to finish the race!

10. What’s your guilty pleasure television show? Ugh my guilty pleasure TV show? I would have to say VH1′s Best Week Ever, or the E! Network’s Talk Soup. I love how they make fun of the over the top celebrity culture!

Let me start by reassuring everyone that my sister is not a bitch. It’s considered a term of endearment. And, if you read her comment you will see that she called out my blog, etc. It’s all in fun people! When I say selfish skank that means BFF. When I say my sister is a bitch, it means my sister is bitchin’.

Anyhoo…we got a kitty. His name is Bruiser.

I have been wanting a kitty for some time because Laef and I need something to occupy our time besides vodka/soda, WoW, MLB.TV, reality television and blogging. Laef was a little hesitant. But, I must say that the boys have grown quite close.

Wherever Laef is, Bruiser likes to find a spot to nestle up to him. And, that includes Laef’s dirty feet.

This makes me happy because it’s kind of fun having a “family.” My BFFs Ben and Annett went above and beyond the call of engagement gifts. Although I didn’t technically register for a kitty, I’m pretty sure I mentioned 216 times in front of them.

While I was away at the bachelorette party, Ben went to the shelter, picked him out, had his boys snipped off, got the papers, picked him up and took care of everything. Then Annett went to Petco and bought a boat load of toys, bowl and many other necessary startup items.

Then they drove Bruiser to us from San Diego. On a school night, no less! It’s honestly one of the nicest things anyone has ever done.

At least that’s what I thought until about 2 a.m. last night.

We were kind of riled up so we didn’t head to bed until about midnight. At 2 a.m., Bruiser was wide awake and ready for some action. I tried to ignore him, to no avail. Then I tried to show him his toys in the living room. No go. He wanted to be where the peeps were.

Not wanting Laef to wake up and in turn make me drive the kitty back to San Diego, I take the cat and move to the couch. After a few hours of running around, he craps out again. So, we move back to the bed. For an hour. At which point he started running around again and I put him in the living room and shut the bed room door.

Reason 1 I am not ready for kids. I like sleeping through the night.

So, I was pretty tired today. Laef was home most of the day. I called to check in.

Me: “Hi. How are my boys?” (disgusting, I know)
Laef: “um. Your boys are eating cheesecake factory.”
Me: “Oh my god. We are NEVER having kids. You can’t give him cheesecake!”
Laef: “He only got one lick and it’s all stuck to his whiskers so he can’t get it anyway.”

After the hour commute home, I have to say that coming home to two cuddly boys was really nice.

Now we are going to be those people who sit around waiting for the next photo op.

We are 355 days away from the wedding so I have decided to write one reason per day as to why I love Laef.

Reason 355: I sent Laef an email almost two weeks ago alerting him to the fact that on July 30 (that’s today) The Cheesecake Factory was going to be selling its cheesecake for $1.50 per slice. Laef called me on his way home from work to tell me he was on his way to get his slice.

Me: “Are you serious? How did you even remember that?”
Laef: …
Me: “You mean to tell me that I have to remind you to tie your shoes, wipe your ass and pay your car insurance on time and you remember this from two weeks ago?”

Reason 355. When it counts, he remembers.

Dear Stephanie and Rob-

Thank you for making me self conscious about the blog I spend hours updating, thinking about and enjoying.

Let me just get Rob’s comment out of the way because it was quick and to the point. Immediately upon reading Laef’s entry (his first-ever blog post, by the way), Rob called and said: “Duuuude. You got owned on your own blog.”

I know this. I will fully admit it. I was laughing hysterically at Laef’s earthquake blog. I had tears and I almost peed on the floor. But, I didn’t want to set a bad example for Bruiser (our new kitty) so I held it in. By the way, there’s a Bruiser blog coming, but here’s a teaser pic until then:

I digress.

My sister, on the other hand, gave me a slow painful demise into bloggy depression.

First of all, is it necessary to call me 10 minutes before my alarm goes off to give me the following diatribe:

Steph: (this is all without a pause and without me saying one word): “Allison. Oh my fucking god, Brittany’s blog is so fucking funny. I mean, your blog is funny, but I read her blog every single day. The Open Letter To The Guy Who Peed on her is the funniest thing I have ever read. The pink heels and new Express jeans and tiara. She reminds me of you. I feel like you guys have so much in common. Except she’s given birth to twins. And the penis on the face and the tick. Oh my God. It is soooooooo funny. And she has her favorites and I read them all and I tell every single person I see about it. It just cracks me up.”

Me: (very excited and proud of Laef’s first entry) “Did you read Laef’s earthquake blog??!!

Steph: “No. I haven’t seen it yet. Do you think all this stuff she writes about is real? Where does she live? Where is she from? I mean, she has the greatest blog ever.”

Me: “OK. You are a fucking psycho and I hate you. You should be telling everyone about my blog. No, there are no ticks on my vagina. I blog about kittens and lollipops.”

Let me just say that I linked Brittany’s blog to my blog because frankly, it is hysterical. My sister is totally right. Brittany’s blog is like the Harvard funny blog and I’m a little more, well, University of Oregon! However, I am thinking that if I can get Laef to guest host like once a week, I might take this shit up a notch.

Anyways, Steph, since you loved the open letter blog so much, here’s your open letter. Next time I see you I will pee on you also.

OK, I would like to point out that the MECHANICAL and Aerospace ENGINEERING building is probably going to easily survive an earthquake. Not to mention that it’s a building owned and built by the CA government so there were probably 47 safety permits and inspections for the paper towel dispenser in the women’s room alone, so you’re definitely good.

I, meanwhile, was sitting at home on the couch when the “loud truck rolled by outside”. Or so I thought. And then I realized there this was something different and that the room was kinda spinning. And then I realized it was an earthquake. And then I quietly shit my pants. And then I started looking at the 2 doorways in our house, trying to decide which one I should step to. (For anyone that hasn’t been to our house, all locations are exactly one step away from all other locations. We call it the one step of Kevin Bacon.) Then I realize that our house was built 30 years ago by an amateur less-than-handyman. If any building was going to collapse, ours would be the first. So I chose to step to the front doorway.

So I stood in the front doorway and watched the cars in our driveway rock in all directions, completely independent of each other. For those that have never been in an earthquake before, I can only describe it as surreal. I liken it to the room spinning when you’ve had way too much to drink, only everything is spinning in different directions and at different speeds. Your brain starts hitting the panic button because it knows something is definitely not right. About this time I realize I’m standing in the doorway with no shirt and a pair of unflattering shorts on. I have not showered yet and my hair definitely shows it. The shaking has stopped and now I’m just that guy. I wave to the milf walking her dog wondering why I look so freaked out by a small tremor.

That’s when when I run back in to call Allison. It took 25 minutes to reach her because apparently her meeting she was having with the prof continued after the “incident”. He had to finish telling her how well she handles difficult situations while she shakily wiped the tears off of her cheeks. LaLa indeed.

So the whole pyramid thing at the bachelorette party started as a giant cluster. I would venture to say that 90 percent of us were very hesitant.

Erin was such a selfish bitch that you can see in the photo she is on the end with zero weight on her. Which means others had to pick up her slack. I was having horrible flashbacks of high school where I always got slated to be on the tip top or get thrown around on a new trick. New tricks don’t always work. And drunk girls don’t always remain calm and strong with four people stacked on them. It was a tall pyramid. I was scared.

But, Kaitlin Malone was adamant we do the pyramid. Just as I was adamant that we play the “I’m going down stairs” behind the bar game. Anyway, I have to say that in looking at the picture it looks really fun and cute. Plus you can pretty much see everyone’s boobs so who doesn’t love this pic. So, props to Kaitlin on that one.

Then, my BFF Missy emailed me today to let me know that we are soul mates. Or she was trying show up our pyramid by pointing out that at the bachelorette party she attended they had specially made shirts. Fine. But, did you have s’mores? And seven blocks of cheese?

Anyway, here’s a pic of their pyramid and a shout out to Kaitlin who was 1-for-10 on good ideas this weekend. Kaitlin, that is a joke and it’s for all of the times you called me a bitch. Heart!

So last night I would randomly laugh out loud about things that happened over the weekend. I was explaining to Laef about how girls really love cheese and as I was saying out loud how it went down, he said: “That’s like one brick per person, per day.”

Precisely.

On the first day we went shopping. I have to say, a big part of the weekend centered around the food. In a different way than the boys’ weekend, I am sure. We made lemon fettuccine, breakfast burritos, bagels with tomatoes and lemon pepper, fajitas and had all kinds of yummy snacks.

When we went shopping we were starving. Huge mistake as everyone knows. This is the list of cheeses that were purchased:

1. Block of cheddear
2. Block of Jack
3. Block of smoked cheddar
4. Block of pepper jack
5. 2 triangles of fresh parmesean
6. Alouette spreadable artichoke cheese

When we got home from the store, I was rushing to make dinner because we were starving. But, while we waited, we hammered through the smoked cheddar. It should also be noted that the Lemon-Fettuccine calls for two cups of grated Parmesan.

My new BFF Erin also found her calling in late-night snacks. I am not sure exactly how much cheese she used on the quesadillas and grilled cheese sandwiches she made, but I never thought about Taco Bell. Not once. That’s how satisfied I was.

Erin also alerted me to the fact that putting bacon on a chicken fajita is absolutely delicious. I have a feeling this only rings true at 4 a.m., but let me tell you, it worked. I didn’t remember about the bacon until Sunday morning when I was driving home with Kaitlin.

Me: “We really bought just the right amount of food. There wasn’t very much left over.”

Kaitlin: “Yeah, this morning I was going to make Debbie something for breakfast and we had one egg and I couldn’t find the bacon.”

Me: (In my head). Oh my fucking God. We put the bacon on fajitas. We are out of control. As if a grilled cheese sandwich with 12 ounces of cheese wasn’t enough, we also made fajitas laced with bacon.

So, there you have it. I’m officially going off the cheese for like a week.

Remember the blog about Laef and I budgeting?

Remember how I said that when Laef is out of town, I tend to go out to eat sushi or grilled artichokes? And that typically those meals run me about $40?

Well, I was gone this weekend and I came home to this:

Let’s just say that it was more than $40.

Annett’s bachelorette party was held in Palm Springs over the weekend.

Per standard rules, I can’t divulge too much, but I’ll give you the following tidbits:

1. I have never in my life eaten as much cheese as I did this weekend. Ever.
2. Side ponytails, 80s make up and cheerleading pyramids are fun at any age.
3. Palm Springs in July = a LOT of boobie sweat.
4. Palm Springs = Gay Bars = FUN
5. Playing spoons never goes out of style.