Tales from La La Land

Damon is probably going to be upset with that headline.

He played at Oregon, and I think he’s a Duck at heart. But, right now, he’s a coach at Boise State.

This is the second Q&A for DG, but my goal for this season was to try and have the Q&As relate to the game of the week. (I am already at a loss for Week 2 when Oregon plays Purdue, so if anyone has any ideas, let me know).

I asked him all new questions, and tried to get some sort of scoop.

It didn’t work. The Broncos are 64-2 on the blue turf since 1999. He dodged my question about how to cope with the blue, so there must be some sort of advantage that they use. Seriously, that is an insane stat.

Kirk Herbstreit gave the advantage to Boise State. But, he’s a pretty boy so his vote doesn’t count.

I can’t believe it’s game week. I live for college football season and am really excited to see what Chip Kelly brings to the table this season. I am planning to utilize my twitter during the games, which will be a new thing. I am sure I will regret that seeing as I tend to pop off pretty easily.

GO Ducks!!

1. Describe your thoughts heading into the first game? What is it like to coach against your alma mater where you have such fond memories? Honestly my thoughts are all over the place. I never been against the Ducks. I break it down like this: I will always be a Duck, but I’m married to the Broncos right now. And my father always told me a happy wife is a happy home.

2. Be honest. What color clothing will your daughters be wearing at the game? Honestly, it better be PJ’s. My two-year-old is too crazy to sit down for longer than 5 minutes. So we dont take her to the games.

3. How do you protect your eyes from staring at blue turf all year? Do you have special shades? I see what you are doing Allison, and it’s not going to work. But I like your style.

4. Can you give us Duckies a little sneak peak of your game plan? Maybe just the first 15 plays? Damn you are good. Well not sure if you know this, but I’m on the defensive side as a GA helping Justin Wilcox. I would assume the plan is to not let the very powerful Oregon offense score too many touchdown in those 15 plays.

5. Where is the (most likely) Duck friendly bar where we can celebrate our win? Right now probably my house is the friendliest. I’ve been so busy helping and trying to figure out how in the hell are we going to stop Masoli and Le Blount that we just drink ourselves to sleep in the office. So I don’t really know the bar scene yet.

6. Let’s talk about your time at Oregon. Can you recall a funny on-field moment that has stuck with you? Does that crazy hippie guy still slam the opposing teams mascot doll on the ground as the crowd counts the points? I don’t remember who we were playing but we scored like 60 on somebody and that dude was everywhere. First of all, where is the security? Second, he shouldn’t be allowed in the beer garden, that’s for sure. We always just laughed at the dude as he would go crazy slamming the doll.

7. Do you prefer Bellotti with ‘stache or without ‘stache? With Stache. I don’t know what it is, but unless you can’t grow a stache, I have a problem trusting you. Every man should have a stache!

8. Do you keep in touch with your former teammates? What do they say to you leading up to the season-opener? I keep up with a lot of guys. I just talked to Kenny Wheaton and I was trying to get him tickets, but I’m a GA and I only get two tickets, so you know those are gone. Mostly, the question is how do you feel about coaching against the Ducks, and its the same answer: “very uncomfortable”. And if the Broncos are for real, and I say, ‘well you saw what happen last year’, then they are a better team than last year. So it should be a good game.

9. Talk about your life after college? What have you been doing leading up to your current position at Boise State? Having two beautiful punk-ass lil girls. I say that because I can’t believe how beautiful they are and how they have me wrapped around their fingers even though they can’t talk yet. It’s really going to suck in the future! But, I wouldn’t change it for the world. Career-wise, I got my masters and am planning to become a Division-1 football coach in the near future.

10. What is your guilty pleasure television show? The Baby First channel because I’ve only seen my 4-month old for three weeks, and it if my baby girls are up, I know they are watching that show.

As usual, I watched Top Chef last night salivating.

But, this episode was tortuous for more reasons than Ash’s Asian Chicken Wing with Pickled Pearl Onions (I seriously wanted to jump through my TV and eat 12 of those).

Last night I had to deal with: Vegas pool party, shots, Eve and Jessie.

I wish I had known that Top Chef was seeking happy couples for a challenge. I think my friends and I would have enjoyed that quite a bit. Pairing food with shots seems like a stretch, but it’s Vegas so I guess the contestants are going to have to be prepared for some odd challenges this season.

What I wouldn’t have given to be poolside in Vegas with Patron and some kind of Sweet and Sour Macaroon Filled with Guacamole.

Instead, I was on my couch, drinking water in lieu of wine (trying to eliminate the 4,000 extra calories I consume each week by drinking wine every evening. It’s a lot harder than I thought) and wondering how many more grilled cheese sandwiches we can consume this month. (It’s August 27 and we are down to bread, cheese, an onion and some tortillas).

Let me start by saying I spent almost the entire show lamenting Eve’s presence. I’m sure she’s a sweet gal, but for fucks’ sake, what is she doing there?

Last week she was a zoo in the kitchen. This week she was a zoo all over the place. She seems very aloof and, frankly, not that smart. To top it off, her asparagus with blue cheese and pine nuts were the saddest looking thing I’ve seen on a plate in a while. It didn’t make sense and I didn’t feel like it showcased any skill or creativity.

In the end it was Eve who went home and I thought that was definitely the right call.

I don’t know if Jessie will step it up next week or not, but I am hoping she is the next to go.

The girl ALWAYS looks like she’s about to cry. She seems completely overwhelmed by the competition and her lack of self-confidence is painful to watch. Of course, the first time Tom opened his mouth to talk about her dish, she did cry. Please, pull it together. There’s no crying in cooking.

I loved the fact that Jen was pissed about the fact that the competition was split up girls versus boys. That bitch knows what’s up and knew she was on the losing team.

She is super feisty, and I’m sure somewhat of a bitch, but I really admire her confidence and her no-fear attitude.

Part of me was hoping the girls would pull off the upset, but it was evident that their food wasn’t nearly as advanced as the men’s. Which is sad. And confusing. I am still trying to understand why there are so many more male chef’s than females. Why men usually win this competition. This is a profession that I would think doesn’t give an advantage based on gender.

Based on the first two weeks, here are my top and bottom 5.

TOP 5

1. Michael Voltaggio: First of all, this guy is super hot. AND, he definitely has some serious skills. He won the quick fire and was in the top 4 in the main challenge. He’s super confident and obviously has a flair for different techniques. He makes no apologies for who he is, and I like that.

2. Bryan Voltaggio: He was in the bottom 3 of the quickfire challenge. Did he cry? No, he rebounded with a ridiculous “Sweet and Sour Macaroon Filled with Guacamole, Corn Nuts, and Corn Puree” to win the main challenge. I wouldn’t even begin to know how to make something like that, and that is why I love this show. I can make fucking asparagus and throw blue cheese on it. Show me something I can’t do.

3. Kevin Gillespie: He wasn’t in my top 5 last week. Nor was he in the bottom 5. I wasn’t sure what to make of him. But, his “Chilled Almond Soup with King Crab, Cucumber, and White Grapes” showed some chops. I was dying to try that.

4. Jennifer Carroll: Again, she is the only girl who is badass and confident enough this season. I LOVED that she went for Octopus and made “Octopus Ceviche with Citrus Viniagrette”. That was something different. And, she also said, “If it doesn’t work, I’ll make something on the fly.” She has a really good edge that makes me confident in her.

5. Michael Isabella: He didn’t do anything that impressive this week. I considered putting Ash in my top 5, but for now I’ll leave it as is. I have a feeling though, that over the next couple of weeks Michael’s style might begin to bore me.

Bottom 5

1. Jesse Sandlin: Sorry, sweetie, but you are a fragile flower and it pains me to watch. Also, how can you be on Top Chef and use the wrong pan for scallops? I know she knows how to cook or she wouldn’t be there. But, when you play scared, you make mistakes like using the wrong pan and overcooking chicken.

2. Robin Leventhal: She does nothing for me and seems to fly under the radar.

3. Preeti Mistry: The tuna on the leaf or whatever didn’t seem Top Chef quality at all. While I don’t think she needed to be as fired up as Ashley was in terms of participating in a marriage challenge (Preeti and Ashley are both gay), her lack of ANY feelings on the matter sort of showcased her lack of passion in general.

4. Laurine Wickett: I think her catering mind set is going to catch up with her eventually.

5. Ron Duprat: We’ll see. I’m not totally certain on this one. I’m still waiting for him to emerge.

Most of the time when people meet Laef and I they fist-bump Laef.

This is usually in celebration of the fact that I am 8 years older than Laef.

Sometimes the male species is in awe of the fact that I like sports.

What they don’t know is that I only like to watch one sport on TV.

College Football.

(Sidenote: I will watch the NCAA Tournament and college softball, but most guys are not impressed by that).

I enjoy major league baseball.

When I am AT the actual stadium with a $9 beer and a hot dog.

I am trying to learn the rules of soccer so that I can understand what the fuck is going on. Based on how passionate soccer fans are, there’s got to be something to it.

The NFL is OK, but I am not nearly as excited for Sunday football as I am for Saturday football. I admit it. I watch my fantasy players and scream at the TV when they drop TD passes in the endzone. It’s too stressful for me.

So, anyway, we are t-minus 223 hours until the Oregon football season opener.

While I am somewhat pissed that the Duckies play on a Thursday, I am very excited to start posting on Rob’s blog , hunting down new people for my Q&As and drinking at noon on Saturday.

Here’s what I’ll be watching for this season:

1. Will Jeff Tedford (aka JT) do a Q&A for my blog? The guy doesn’t do anything except game-plan during the season. I think he probably sleeps 2 hours per night. OK, but seriously: Is Cal going to live up to the hype and win the Pac-10 this year? People seem to think that USC is down and that the Bears are the team that will win the crown.

2. What’s this Chip Kelly guy all about? When I think of Oregon football, it’s hard not to think of Coach Bellotti. He was there for so long. But, this year, there’s a new coach in town. Kelly seems to have a different approach and it will be interesting to see how that translates on the field.

3. Will my die-hard Cal friend Ben survive Autzen Stadium on Sept. 26? We’re heading to Eugene for the game – my first visit to Autzen since leaving Oregon almost 3 years ago. It’s a brutal place for visiting fans and players. I can’t wait to see how this game plays out. It might hold the key to who wins the Pac-10 title.

4. How many times will I have to watch a Tim Tebow press conference or read an article in SI about how he’s the second-coming of Michael Phelps Jesus?

5. How many Coronas and Mimosas will I need to get through each Saturday?

I guess that’s it for now. Check back Monday for the season’s first Q&A. It’s about a former Duck who will be very torn during Oregon’s season-opener at Boise State.

Anyone who knows me, knows I have a giant problem.

My go-to fashion staple is an Oregon t-shirt. Nowadays, I might mix it up with a UCLA t-shirt.

The truth is, I hate shopping for a variety of reasons. I don’t like crowds, I don’t like spending hours looking for a parking space, I never know what to buy, I buy the same shit over and over.

Thus, I have 12 white t-shirts, 10 black shirts and several pairs of jeans. My non-work wardrobe is a mess.

Recently, I joined Skype so that I could connect with the Aiming Low girls. But there were several other people using Skype, including Ashely, a friend from Oregon who owns my most favorite store in Eugene.

Anyway, Ashley tells me about her new business venture called Trunk Club Women.

I am in love with this business.

Laef is not so much, but he’s coming around.

This is how it went down.

I met with a stylist/shopper via Skype. I explained to her my lack of style. I told her what I wanted to do with my wardrobe, where it was lacking and that I wanted to branch out to some different things. She took my down my measurements, shoe size and told me to look for a package in ten days.

There was no charge for shipping or for her to pick out clothes for me.

Yesterday, I came home to a FedEx box full of clothes. I tried everything on and picked out what I wanted to keep. I met with my shopper again over Skype and we talked about the shipment.

I have to say that every single thing fit perfectly. I loved everything (which is why Laef is not a fan of this business). Some of it didn’t really work on me, but I liked the fact that there were items I would have never picked out for myself.

It opened my eyes to dresses, colors and shirts that didn’t start with a T.

Inside the box, there was also a pre-paid FedEx shipping label so that I could send back the things I didn’t want.

And I never had to see the mall.

It was kick ass.

Solving my problem one FedEx shipment at a time.

TGIF!

Season 6 of Top Chef debuted last night, and as I was watching there were so many things going through my mind.

I decided to write those things here.

I love this show. I do not like that fact that no matter how full I am from dinner, I will rummage through the kitchen at 10:45 p.m. looking for anything that resembles a sea scallop.

The show makes me starving.

Thankfully, Jen Zavala made a Chile Relleno Stuffed with Seitan and I was no longer hungry.

I get that she wanted to stand out. Everyone else took the safe route and used fresh fish or beef.

But why try to stand out with something that tastes like shit? Fresh fish and beef is delish. Stick with it. Especially when someone else is paying.

She seemed really sweet despite the ginormous gauge earrings and neck tattoo, but ended up being the first to go home.

Anyway, a few observations about the show in general.

For me, it is a huge fail on Bravos part to premiere season 6 on the same night as the Top Chef Masters finale. After watching the three finalists on TCM, I honestly felt like I was watching a group of random people trying to be chefs.

Obviously, I know this is not the case and that they are all there for a reason. But the relay race for the quick fire challenge was tough to watch at times.

During the clam-opening part of the race, one of the chef’s, Mike Isabella, says that he can not believe a girl might beat him at opening clams.

I’m sorry, but how the fuck does being a dude help in opening clams? It’s not like they were bench-pressing clams to see who could lift the most. He’s definitely getting the douche edit, but his food was one of the more sophisticated in the challenge so it appears he’ll be around for a while.

Bravo brought showgirls into the kitchen and upped the anty by awarding a $15,000 chip to the winner of the quickfire challenge.

Production seems to be reaching into its bag of tricks this season to mix things up. Personally, I don’t need the showgirls (I found it a bit awkward when they were in the kitchen). I think simplicity is best. I want to see the food, see who reacts well under pressure and who makes me want to get off the couch and rummage through my kitchen in search of a rack of lamb.

Based on one show here’s my my top 5 and bottom 5.

Top 5 (I am not saying these are my favorites in terms of personality)

1. Bryan Voltaggio: He was calm and confident without coming off as cocky. Those characteristics were also reflected in his food – “NY Strip Steak with Parsnip Purée” and “Crusted Rib-eye with Caramelized Celery”. OK, so he stayed safe with two meat dishes that looked very similar on his plate. We’ll have to see how diverse he can be.

2. Michael Voltaggio: Yes, he is a GIANT tool who made a “Rack of Lamb with Coconut Sauce and Gnocchi” because “when you think of Vegas you think of racks.” Tool. BUT, I like his edge, he uses good ingredients and he knows what he is doing. Plus, he was wearing a hat backwards in his interviews and I’m a huge fan of that look. It’s going to be interesting to see how the competition unfolds between him and his brother. They have two totally different personalities, but both seem to be talented.

3. Jennifer Carroll: Sadly, I think she is the only female who has what it takes to make a run in the competition. She seems like the kind of girl who doesn’t take any shit. I kept thinking that she seemed a little hard core. My thoughts were confirmed when she cooked “Poached Halibut in a Whiskey, Bourbon and Scotch Sauce” as her vice meal. The girl’s vice is whiskey. Hard. Core. Which is what you need to survive Top Chef.

4. Mike Isabella: Gigantic douche, who came off as sexist and overly confident. BUT, his “Olive Oil Poached Halibut with Eggplant Purée” looked absolutely delicious and proved that he does know what he’s doing. It’s just too bad that he knows that he knows what he is doing. I’m thinking he will make it a long way despite his douchtardness. There have been overly-confident villains that have won (Hung). So, we’ll see if week 1 was a fluke or if he really does have mad skills.

5. Mattin Noblia: I might be reaching on this one. But, the fact that he owns a restaurant and is from France makes me think he might have a chance to make it. The French know what’s up when it comes to food. He’s a little carefree so we’ll see how the competition effects him. Both dishes he made last night – “Buffalo Rib-Eye and Zucchini with Mashed Potatoes” and “Lobster with Bay Leaves and Star Anise” – looked delish.

(I thought Laurine Wickett’s Bacon Donuts with Chocolate and Beer Sauce looked scrumptious and I like Eli, but I wasn’t sure about his random display of scallops on the plate).

Bottom 5

1. Hector Santiago: He deep fried a steak. That’s all I have to say. Oh, and he said something about how beautiful Padma is. Which was just weird.

2. Jesse Sandlin: I don’t think you can survive this competition if you put out dry chicken on the first challenge. Not only that, she seems a bit insecure about being there and I think people who are not confident or don’t feel like they belong get swallowed up early.

3. Robin Leventhal: She won immunity, had zero pressure and STILL didn’t get her sauce on the plate. I’m not saying she should have put herself out there and jeopardized her safety, but she didn’t display any confidence in herself by hiding behind the golden chip.

4. Ron Duprat: I really, really want to be wrong about this. He was in the top 3 last night so I’m sure this makes no sense. My gut tells me that he is too nice, too sweet and doesn’t have a certain toughness that he’ll need to make it very far. I love his story, his smile and his personality. But, for some reason I don’t think he has the stamina to last.

5. Eve Aronoff: She looked like a zoo in the kitchen and was way too bubbly in her first appearance on screen.

Can’t wait for next week!!

When I was in junior high I used to make extra cash by babysitting. I grew up in a tiny Northern California town so I was basically the only babysitter within a 20-mile radius.

I was good at that job. I don’t think I’ve ever really grown up, and therefore have always related to kids. Back in the day, I was in competitive gymnastics so babysitting consisted of me trying to teach little kids how to do back hand springs and cartwheels.

That was a good way to keep them occupied AND make them tired.

It was also a good way to make myself tired.

One night, I fell asleep on the couch after lots of cookies and fruit snacks (BEST part about babysitting is eating stuff that you don’t have at your own house). Apparently, the parents arrived home to find all of the doors locked. Seeing as it was a small town, nobody locks their doors.

Which means nobody carries house keys.

Anyway, they spent the next 30 minutes banging on the door, knocking on the windows and ringing the doorbell.

I never budged.

That was my last stint as the town babysitter.

Word gets around in a small town, yo.

That also appears to be one of my last good night’s sleep.

Nowadays, if I so much as hear the refrigerator hum, I am awake.

Nowadays, I’ve got the cat sleeping on my head and Laef suffocating me with his cuddling skills. (His cuddling skills include one hand down my pants and one arm putting me in a choke hold).

I’ve also got The Girls Next Door who are currently not working, and therefore keep very odd hours.

In the past two months the following has occured later than 3 a.m.:

- Playing bongos
- Fighting
- Sexing

I hear every noise in a two block radius. I hear the cat the minute he starts doing naughty shit in the middle of the night. I hear the newspaper man launch the LA Times at every house on our street.

And what kills me the most is that as ALL of this is going on (including the bongos), I can be assured that Laef is in hour 6 of REM sleep, oblivious to everything.

He hears nothing.

Lucky bastard.

Sometimes I am embarrassed for whining about work.

Or whining about anything for that matter.

Because the truth is, my life is pretty solid.

Laef and I went to San Diego to see friends this weekend. I ran the AFC Half Marathon with Natalie and Erin. Laef drank Scotch with Sean on Friday, they went tot he movies on Saturday while Erin and I watched reality TV to make ourselves fall asleep by 9 p.m.

We got to see Ben and Annett for lunch on Sunday.

It was so nice to see people that can make you forget about petty work bullshit and remind you that life is so much bigger than that.

I set a new personal best, finishing the race in 2 hours and 8 minutes. I forgot my iPod, which scared me. I was afraid that my mind would venture off into complete nonsense for 13 miles. The thought of listening to my own jacked up thoughts for 2 hours totally motivated me to run faster.

But, I never really thought about anything except for the race. I was focusing on my pace, how I was feeling, how I knew I could push myself a little bit harder. By mile 10, I knew I could beat my time, and focused solely on ignoring my shins.

Now that I’m back to work, I realize that if I can just take each day as though it were the 11th mile – on a steep hill – and push through without letting my mind go down a dark path, I will be able to press on.

It only took 13 miles, five friends and two fish tacos to realize how good I actually have it.

Stop reading if sappy love stories make you vom.

Yesterday was pretty much the crescendo of a pretty crappy work week. Things steadily built up beginning on Monday morning and by 11 a.m. on Thursday I was pretty much on the verge of going back to culinary school.

It is not very often that I have to hide in the bathroom stall and call Laef to cry it out, but yesterday was one of those days.

And, as he always does, he said the right things, made me feel better and I went back to work a little stronger.

Just as my day was coming to an end, Laef came by my office with a Kit Kat. He ran in, threw it on the desk and ran out before anyone noticed he was there.

In case you don’t know. I heart chocolate. And I REALLY heart Kit Kat’s.

It’s such a small thing.

A candy bar.

But it’s everything.

Laef finished work at around 5 p.m. I called him as I was leaving the office at 6 p.m. We talked about nothing important and as I approached the parking garage, I saw him sitting on a bench.

Waiting.

For me.

For an hour.

To give me a hug.

And that was it. Everything that happened in my day before that was gone.

He then suggested sushi and sake.

By the end, the worst day was actually the best day.

I wrote this post at AimingLow today.

We’re in the third week of marriage and I would say I’m passing with a C-/D++.

Not that anyone’s counting or anything. It’s not that I think I have to be different as a wife than I was as a girlfriend.

However, last night, when I looked over at Laef eating Ravioli out of a can for dinner, I did feel guilty and totally shitty about myself. The good news is that I plan for crappy, exhausting, mentally draining work weeks by making sure we always have frozen pizza, canned Chefboyardee pasta and eggs in the house.

At least he had something to eat.

It is official.

We are old, married, boring and consumed by lists of shit to do.

Laef has to work very minimal hours during the summer.

Last year I am pretty sure he spent his time at the beach playing video games and watching PTI on ESPN.

This year we had the whole wedding thing. I am sure he would rather have been at work massaging the groin of a 215-pound basketball player, but instead he was home doing things like: Reserving two limos (don’t ask how this happened, but sometimes when Laef is in charge of certain things, stuff just goes all ARoss on him and gets messed up), getting fitted for a tux, making phone calls, writing vows, etc.

Now that the wedding is over, I was thinking that we would revert back to the insanely boring existence we had before.

However, now there are things for Laef to do on his day off like: Throw away excess flip flops from the wedding, find a place for random tiki torches that we now have no use for, find a place for all of the boxes of dishes that we can not fit into our house, FURminate the cat because it’s summer and every fucking time I eat something there is cat hair stuck to it, write thank you notes…and so on.

I am scared to think that we are now in the stage of life.

The LIST stage.

Seriously. HOW is there always shit to do?

When I was younger and had a chore list, I used to huff and puff under my breath as I inhaled Scrubbing Bubbles that I would never do chores as an adult.

Yeah right.

Laef was totally saying how we should wait at least 5 years to have kids because they aren’t in the budget yet.

But seeing as the only thing The Sanch is good for is eating plastic and shitting four times a day, Laef is ready to have kids tomorrow.

He claims he can have a 6-month old doing dishes and vacuuming.

And, seriously, this is what happens to Sanchez’s toys. He eats them (old one on the left, new one on the right).

Fat ass.