Tales from La La Land

My last post was two weeks ago and something about being pregnant and going to Target on a Friday night?

Well, let me tell you, things have only gotten more exciting since then.

Not.

Laef has been gone a lot over the past two weeks, which is normally great news for me (shopping, watching crap TV, eating). The first weekend he was gone – Valentine’s Weekend – I celebrated by myself at the 3rd Street Promenade. The weather was nothing short of spectacular, I found amazing sales and indulged in a dark chocolate crepe and champagne.

It was a good substitute for spending the afternoon without Laef, but as the weeks press on during basketball season, I’m definitely missing my partner in crime. Sure, I don’t laugh at his ridiculous jokes and he takes up way too much space in the bed, but isn’t that the whole point of marriage? Having someone to talk to besides your cat?

The Sanch and I are getting tired of each other. I know he appreciates my lack of discipline and the fact that his nails have not been clipped since basketball season started (I make Laef do all of the jobs that would lead to the cat liking me better), but he also appreciates it when the litter box is cleaned more regularly.

We’ve run out of things to talk about.

Laef was gone again this past weekend, but I was pretty much shopped out and had honestly run through my entire list of “things that keep me occupied and happy while Laef is gone”. I have painted my nails no fewer than a dozen times over the past two months, colored my hair, gotten a facial, gone out for sushi, made three trips to Pinkberry, watched The Notebook, watched marathons of 16 & Pregnant and Keeping up with the Kardashians, reorganzied the closet and watched the entire Season 4 of Friday Night Lights online.

So, now all that’s left is preparing for this marathon.

That leaves me with running as my “fun thing to do when Laef is gone”. Except that it really isn’t all that fun sometimes.

My hips are wondering when exactly I turned 74. My toenails are no longer on board with marathon training. And my iPod can not believe that I downloaed LA Candy by Lauren Conrad (I won’t even try to justify it or give you an explanation other than to say that I don’t want to be bogged down with Homer when I’m running 13 fucking miles. I have enough to worry about).

My body seems to be holding up fairly well, but I am also working really hard to make sure I do all of the right things. Which means when I got a text on Saturday from a girl I recently met through a UCLA carpool system asking me if I’d like to go out on Saturday night, I had to decline. OK, if I’m being honest, it had more to do with the fact that her text said, “I can pick you up around 10 and we can go have a few drinks before heading out around midnight.”

The fuck?

As lonely as I am, and as much as I need human convo when Laef is gone, I would need 6 Adderall’s to go out according to her schedule. I suppose I would have taken a nap and gone, but I honestly can not go out and drink and expect to run 13 miles the next day.

So, I’m kind of boring right now.

I have only 10 weeks to go until the race and I just keep picturing myself crossing the finish line. All the lame Saturday nights and Sunday’s where my hips creak will be SO worth it when I am done.

Laef hates it when I watch 16 and Pregnant on MTV.

Now that I think about it, he actually hates when I watch anything on MTV.

He thinks that by me watching, and thus giving it ratings, I am somehow encouraging other 16-year-olds to get pregnant.

I guess he has a point.

Because what 16-year-old doesn’t want to be on MTV?

Anyway, it should be noted that because of Laef’s strong objection (as opposed to his mild objection of Real World), I don’t actually watch this show with any regularity. However, I noticed that the reunion/catch up show was on the other day so I watched.

Dr. Drew totally tries to justify all of it by raising awareness. He mentions things like “protection” and “adoption”.

Shit that would have gone right over my head when I was 16.

But, now that I’m 35 and have stopped taking my birth control pills, his words actually resonated with me.

I stopped taking birth control pills because we are beginning to have the “baby” talk. But we don’t want said baby to grace us with it’s presence for at least a year, if not longer. And we don’t even want to think about said baby for at least 6 months.

My solution was quite simple and it had something to do with being born-again virgin.

Laef did not like this idea at all.

And then reality set in: We can’t just hope.

On Friday, after a little dinner date night, we went to target for Tampons (WHEW), condoms and cat food.

We were totally trying to act all cool and grown up, but we were acting totally dorky and sketchy while perusing the different brands, and I SWEAR like 22 people came on that aisle while we there.

After Laef (in his LOUDEST voice ever) made sure I knew that “Target doesn’t carry XXXXL so I guess these XXL will have to do”, we headed towards the checkout counter.

At that point, I noticed a familiar dude in the line – some guy that works with Laef at UCLA. I made some excuse that I wanted to go look at greeting cards and bailed before Laef ever knew what happened.

I left Laef at the check out counter with Tampons, Condoms and Cat Food. I know, I am totally mature like a 16-year old chick.

After feeling somewhat guilty, I made my way back to the checkout counter where Laef’s coworker was still standing, chatting about “our exciting Friday at Target”.

Whatever, dick.

We got condoms.

And we giggled like super mature teenagers the whole way home.

This weekend marks the one-year anniversary of my first-ever half marathon.

You can read all about my experience at The Surf City Half Marathon here. That was a fun day. Except for the part about parking miles away from the race and having to walk that far after running 13 miles. I never would have thought that beer could taste SO good that early in the morning. Or that it would feel so good after running.

Since that first race, I’ve run two other half marathons and a 10K.

This weekend, I will run the Surf City for the second time, again with my sister Brooke.

But, it’s different this year. Originally, my goal was to finish the race in 2 hours or less. Now that I’m training for the Eugene Marathon in May, this weekend is simply a training run. While I know that it will be difficult to slow myself down and not get caught up in the adrenaline of a race, I wish that every long training run had me surrounded by thousands of other runners, beer at the finish line, spectators with signs and a cool surfboard medal.

Usually a half marathon would be my peak. It would be the reward for months of training, and I would take at least a week off afterward. Now I can’t think like that. I have to run 13 miles on Sunday and resume running on Tuesday. We’ll see how that goes.

At this point, I don’t know what my goals or expectations for the marathon will be. Right now I want to get through the next three weeks of back-to-back-to-back long runs and see if my body holds up. Assuming it does, my goal will likely be to finish the race without having to walk at all.

Having said that, I was talking to Laef the other night and mentioned that deep down my hope is that I can finish the full marathon in 5 hours. (Which is insane because I could drive all the way to my parents house in Sacramento in that amount of time, so I have no idea WHY on Earth I think it will be fun to run for that long).

Without hesitation Laef said: “As long as you finish faster than Oprah.”

Of course, neither of us had any idea how long it took Oprah to run her marathon.

After some quick googling I found out.

4:29:20.

SHIT.

The fastest I have ever run a half marathon is 2:06. Double that and I would run the marathon in 4 hours, 12 minutes.

But, I can pretty much guarantee that I won’t be maintaining that pace over miles 20-26 in my first-ever marathon. So, it’s more realistic to think I’d finish in closer to 5 hours.

However, Oprah ran this shit in 4 and a half hours!

I really want to beat Oprah.

If I don’t though, there are other famous people that I think I could beat and still feel happy:

Mario López, (5:41:41). OK, so either he was cocky and didn’t train at all and is in good enough shape to just go for it, OR he stopped along the way to do situps.

Freddie Prinze, Jr., (5:50:49). See above.

David Lee Roth, (6:04:43). He probably stopped at a bar along the way and had a smoke.

John Edwards (3:30:18). Let’s be honest. He has a lot to run from. That’s the only explanation for that time. And, it’s probably a lie.

Al Gore, (4:58:25). This is more like it.

This list is outdated because I know that Edward Norton ran a marathon last year, but here’s the list I looked at for Oprah’s time.

TGIF!

I consider myself a lucky wife.

From time to time, my husband travels for entire weekends at a time and I get to do whatever I want.

Doing whatever I want usually consists of me being able to roam about the house without getting the “sex” eye or the “Let’s watch The  Hurt Locker” statement.

However, over the past couple of weeks, I was in a funk. I can’t pinpoint why, but I think it had to do with a combination of getting back to the grind of traffic and the stress of work after a splendid 2-week break for Christmas. It rained quite a bit in early January so I wasn’t running nearly as much as I usually do.

Not to mention, I noticed that I was sporting a mustache that I swear I never noticed before. Also, my brows were clearly trying to meet in the middle of my forehead in an effort to remind me of the most important part of marriage: Always meet half way.

True.

You gotta meet halfway.

Which is why over the past 5 years I can’t remember a time I went to a spa for a facial or a wax. I have gotten a few massages here and there on special occasions, but basic feminine maintenance?

It’s hard to explain to men that a fucking facial costs upwards of $100. I could barely understand it.

But my face was looking tired and Lindsay Lohan-esque, I was growing hair that I can no longer hide or comb into a pretty shape.

So I deemed this past weekend a “me” weekend.

I woke up on Saturday morning, went on a 6-mile run in great weather, and then headed out for my facial and waxing.

Now I know why facials are so expensive.

It was 60 minutes of bliss.

I felt refreshed.

Which gave me the energy to go to the mall and browse around with nothing to do and nowhere to be.

Then I decided to treat myself to a $3 cupcake. Between facials and cupcakes, I am pretty sure I’m in the WRONG business. The bake shop was packed with people willing to spend $3 on one cupcake. I could have made 12 cupcakes for $3.

I am now thinking that I should open a salon that sells cupcakes. The Bill Gates of pampering, bitches.

Anyway, I sat outside and ate my cupcake, savoring every bite and realizing how happy one little cake can make a person.

After that, I headed home to watch a movie and lay on the couch. I did that until I fell asleep. At 9 p.m.

On Sunday, I ran 10 miles and it felt great. By the time I got back, I was feeling back to normal and out of my funk.

Laef came home around 4 p.m.

His first words: Get Naked.

Good thing I am out of my funk.