Tales from La La Land

The only thing I was thinking about last night while watching Top Chef was the book, The Princess and the Pea. When I was little, I would read that book over and over and over because I couldn’t believe that she felt the pea under all the mattresses! I would stare at the pictures in that book and ponder this. For hours. And, OF COURSE, I put a pea under my mattress, and was devastated to learn that I must not be a princess because I couldn’t feel the pea, and I ONLY HAD ONE MATTRESS!

Seriously, this book consumed my time, yo.

So, last night, this boring season of Top Chef had a controversy! And it didn’t have anything to do with Angelo and Kenny!

Here are the basic details of said controversy. Pervert 1 (Ed) prepped a pea puree that he was going to use the following day. Pervert 2 (Alex), prepped no such pea puree, and yet, on the day of the competition has a beautiful pea puree under his salmon. Meanwhile, P1 (Ed) can’t find his pea puree anywhere. It disappeared from the coolers! On to Alex’s plate!

To make things even more salty for Ed, Alex actually wins the elimination challenge. And, at one point during the dinner, Padma comments that the best thing on Alex’s plate is his pea puree.

I don’t know why I labeled these two as perverts, but they both give me the skeeves, so I’m calling them perverts.

I’m going to come right out and say it: I’m giving the majuh squirrel side eye on this whole damn thing. To me, it doesn’t make any sense. The editing made it seem as though it was so F’n obvious to every single person that Alex stole it. So, I am confused as to why Ed didn’t walk over to his station and tear it out of his hands. The pea puree didn’t just walk out of the cooler and onto Alex’s plate. If that was Bryan Voltaggio he would have beat Alex’s ass. I’m uber-confused as to how Ed let it go. Or did Ed think there was a slight possibility that Alex actually did make a pea puree?

Secondly, Tom Colicchio writes on his blog today, “First of all, if there’s a single viewer who still wondered whether the judges know what goes on behind the scenes (and make decisions with any of that in mind), I would hope that this incident would have laid that to rest forevermore.” And later adds: “Not even I knew about the controversy, even though I spent some time in the kitchen, as I had arrived there after Ed had gone searching for his pea puree and there was no mention of the issue to me by any of the contestants while I was there.”

Wait. Am I on glue or was Tom C.  in the kitchen while this shit was brewing? Also, if you go back and watch the scene, you will see Tom standing right there as Ed is running all around yelling about pea puree! There’s NO way Tom has zero clue as to what is happening in the kitchen. No way. The whole point of him being in the kitchen is to observe. It seems to me that this incident was a giant issue, so if he was in there – if only for 5 minutes – he’d know.

But, he’s trying to convince us of a couple different things: that the judges make decision based solely on the food and not the drama behind the scenes, and that he had no idea what was going on.

I don’t want to be too cynical, but reality TV isn’t reality. These shows need to create story lines and drama. And, in this particular instance, it’s the only thing to really talk about after watching last night’s episode so maybe it worked. Also, it happened between two contestants that don’t matter all that much. I doubt either will be in the final 4, so there’s no harm in getting them mixed up in a dirty controversy.

Now, I’m not calling my boy Tom C. a liar (well, I kind of am), but I’m just not going to believe everything I read or see because someone tells me it’s “reality” and there’s an integrity to the competition.

There’s also a thing called ratings.

Let me be honest.  I had half an eye on Top Chef, half an eye on g-chat, half an eye on the few remaining boxes to be unpacked and half an eye on my vodka/soda. Not only is my husband super handy around the house, he is also super keen on what will lead to sex: Realizing that we have new cable, and thus none of my shows are recording, he took the liberty of recording both Top Chef and The Real World DC (yes, I am still watching Real World. MTV gets me every time).

I almost felt annoyed by having to watch Top Chef. I am not feeling these misfits. I had to give the super squirrel eye when Andrea said that she and Michelle Bernstein were rivals in Miami. I wasn’t sure I could believe this as one is a James Beard award-winning chef and the other is somewhere in the middle of the pack on a lackluster season of a reality show. But, later, Andrea delves deeper into the issue and explains that while she started a family (3 kids) and focused on that, Michelle rose to stardom.

Which is a giant topic that could be discussed for hours. Could Andrea have raised three kids AND become a famous chef? Based on her words, the answer is no. Which, I completely understand. If she’s focusing solely on her career, working long hours in a restaurant in the middle of the night, who is making sure he kids are fed, loved and nurtured? Her husband, maybe. But, that requires a lot of sacrifices, and ultimately, for Andrea (like most mothers) raising a family > pursuing her career to the degree that she would be a James Beard winner by 39.

So, I thought a lot about this as Laef and I have begun really thinking about starting a family. Almost everyone that I talk to about getting ready to have kids asks me: Are you going to stay at your job? The truth is, I have every intention of going back to work after my maternity leave is over. I like working. I like what I do, and how productive I feel at the end of the day. I like being around people, working on projects, planning meetings and being out in the world. I am not sure that being a stay-at-home mom is for me. Of course, I might have a different thought once I actually have a baby. Maybe I will decide that I want my career to be raising children into respectable human beings. Maybe I’ll want to have a career AND be a mom. All I know is that I want the option to do both. And be good at both simultaneously.

I digress.

Back to cock and balls.

I mean, honestly. Is this season for real? The quickfire was to use unique (um, hello, Duck balls) proteins. I forgot who won. It’s not even that important.

The Elimination challenge had the chefs work in two teams. What struck me as completely whack was that Team A got to judge Team B’s food with the judges. Then Team B got to judge Team A’s food. Now, I wasn’t there. I didn’t taste Kenny’s food or Tamesha’s or anyone else’s. But there was some funky shit going on with how this all went down. Angelo was seen helping Tamesha through the entire episode. I believe he even tasted her food. He had a huge hand in her dish. So, he’s on the team that leads the charge of putting Kenny in the bottom, and the other chef to end up in the bottom is Tamesha.

I’m too lazy to try and understand what Angelo’s intentions with Tamesha were. What was the benefit to him to sabotage Tamesha – someone who he seemed to be friends with? She was the one who was sent home, and Kenny survives another judges table.

Perhaps it was just editing, but the chefs certainly weren’t all that kind to each other. Maybe it was supposed to be a learning experience. Maybe they were told to be critical and find the flaws so that maybe they could understand how to make food better. Whatever the case, they looked like catty bitches who didn’t support one another. Or maybe the competition is fierce and everyone is fighting to stay.

Next week we see more of Ed’s showmance with Tiffany and I’m already gagging.

Tonight will be our last night in our little beach cottage. All this time we thought it was a modest 700-square foot dwelling that we made work because we were steps from the beach. It’s easy to justify having no closet space when you see this everyday. However, the other day Laef got out his measuring tape to figure out what the actual square footage.

500 square feet.

That made it even easier to continue packing boxes in anticipation of moving into a place with some real space. Not that our new place is huge, but compared to what we’ve been making work for 3 years, it’s going to feel like we can breath a little. I honestly don’t know how we made it work, but I guess we just like each other a lot to be that close day in and day out.

Despite the size, the lack of air conditioning and the commute to work, it’s a little bittersweet to be leaving. When I ran the Eugene Marathon in May, one of the things that kept me occupied was the fact that by running 26 miles around Eugene, I went past almost every place I lived in when I was in there. Between 1996-2007 I lived on Harris St., Mill St., 18th Street, Ferry St., 245 Marche Chase Dr., 295 Marche Chase Dr., Crest Dr., and Cal Young Rd. I moved almost every single year while I was there.

I have no idea why I did that.

Poinsettia Ave. in Manhattan Beach has been our home for 3 years. That is the longest either of us has lived anywhere since leaving home at 18.

There are a lot of memories.

The Six Man. That was one of the first things we did after moving in. We didn’t know what to expect, and let’s just say it became one of our favorite things to do every year. People are insane. And, it looks like we’re moving just in time because the city is trying to crack down on it big time.

Perfect Sundays. There was no better place to walk out your front door and go on a walk. We could walk to the beach, or we could just walk around the neighborhood and look at all the houses we will never buy. We went on many, many walks. It was also the perfect town to train for a marathon. I think I’ve ran on almost every street in Manhattan Beach. There’s no other place I would have liked to train. I will miss my running routes.

The Check Out Lady At Ralph’s. OK, this is random, but the same lady has worked at the self-checkout line at Ralph’s since we’ve lived here. I love going through self-checkout whenever possible because I really hate the way people bag my groceries. Yes, I am anal, but honestly, when grocery baggers put 3 things in one bag and then double bag it, I hate it. As we all know, I used to have problems with the self checkout. But, I got better, and this lady is always there to quickly save you if things go wrong. Eventually, she stopped asking for my ID (I guess she kind of got used to the wine purchases), and would exchange eye rolls with me when there were people with 700 items trying to go through the self. Randomly the other day I said bye as I was leaving and she said, “I don’t know why, but you always make me smile when I see you.” I already liked her before she stroked my ego, but that was so nice to hear at the end of a long day. I told her that I felt the same way. Then I told her we were moving. I couldn’t believe that me and the Ralph’s check out lady had gotten so close.

That’s the thing about moving. It’s hard to leave your routine behind. I have my favorite grocery store, my favorite sushi restaurant, my favorite bar, my favorite dry cleaner, my favorite gas station, my favorite breakfast spot, my favorite running routes, and my favorite memory of all: my wedding day.

Sanch has his favorite windowsill and his favorite barf spot, so he is also struggling. At this point he has no idea what is going on, he only knows that there is a lot of cardboard to eat, and a lot of boxes to play with. What he doesn’t know is that he’s about to enter a world with an air conditioner. His life is going to change forever.

We will have an extra room, and I won’t miss  people having to sleep on an air mattress on our living room floor.

Will also not miss: The 405, overpriced touristy restaurants and questionable plumbing.

Brentwood here we come!

Uncomfortable mentorships?

Check.

Crabs baked alive?

Check.

Crabs fried alive?

Check.

Crabs hacked in half while kicking?

Check.

Crab hepatopancreas all over Alex’s table?

Check.

Cooking in freezing temperatures with a Toyota pantry?

Check.

Everything about Episode 5 was uncomfortable for me. From the beginning to the very end. First we see Angelo and his balding head whispering cooking tips into Tamesha’s ear. Then he talks about her sexiness. As if that wasn’t disconcerting enough, we then see Ed nuzzling up to Tiffany.

My brain got confused because I started thinking that I was watching Real World DC. For a few fuzzy moments I had completely forgotten that I was, in fact, watching a cooking show.

Bravo gets me back on track with a crab challenge. OK, now we’re talking. I like crab. Then Angelo says, “I had crabs. This brings back bad memories.”

Again, with the Real World talk. Now I can’t even think straight.

Back to the crabs. Just as I was not prepared for the softer side of Ed, I was NOT PREPARED TO WATCH LIVE CRABS COOKED, CHOPPED, BAKED, BOILED ALIVE.

I get it. That’s part of cooking. I watched Julie and Julia. I know you have to boil them alive. But, this was too much. Too many waving claws through the oven window. Too many claws from too many angles.

It took me a while to get over what I had seen, and I’m not even sure what people made. I think Ed won. Woo.

Moving on to the elimination challenge. This was almost as painful for me to watch as slow-dying crabs. Who wants to cook under a dark sky in the freezing cold? The whole challenge seemed dark, cold, uncomfortable and strange. Why was there a giant table out in the freezing cold? How can you keep warm food warm? Why is Angelo calling Tamesha’s cherry compote sexy? Did Kenny knock over that couscous on purpose?

It was hard to tell what everyone cooked because, again, I was thrown off by so many other weird details. Timothy went home, and I did perk up at that point. Because I thought I’d finally be rid of Stephen’s creepy mug. No such luck.

Still waiting for a breakthrough episode that makes me proud to be a Top Chef fan.

The weather in LA has been bullshit.

Laef and I had planned to spend our last weekend in Manhattan Beach lounging around, swimming in the ocean, soakin’ up some rays and bidding farewell to our home of the last 3 years. Unfortunately, not only was it cloudy last weekend, it also rained on Sunday. There is a silver lining to the whole thing, however. It forced us to stay in and pack up most of our belongings. We are now basically ready to load the U-Haul on Saturday morning without having to spend much time packing.

To date, the saddest part of the whole moving process was watching a young family come by our house to buy our beloved Weber Grill. We are not allowed to have a bbq at our new place, which is common practice for apartment buildings. A little piece of me died inside watching them wheel it down the driveway. What’s summertime without a little smell of coal and lighter fluid? What’s summertime without watching Laef grill a peach and proclaim, “Dessert time!” What’s summertime without hitting up Whole Foods with Nick Dozier to buy giant scallops and fresh sea bass to grill while drinking beers? What’s summertime without a Weber Grill?

As you can see, I’m taking it well.

Anyway, today the sun finally came out. It’s a gorgeous day in LA. A perfect summer day for sitting behind a desk in an office with no windows. As I drove into work this morning I heard the forecast for the week: Hot today, hotter tomorrow and triple digits by the weekend.

Are you fucking kidding me? I mean, I am all for summer and the sun. But, moving boxes up and down stairs in triple degree weather does not seem like a fun activity. I immediately think of my good pal, Erin, who has graciously offered to help us move. Erin is hot when it’s 45 degrees. Erin puts ice packs on her head and neck while sitting motionless on the couch during summer days. Erin moving around with heavy objects during a heatwave makes my life. I am currently seeing if I can have a Japanese Ice Suit FedExed to LA by Friday. My 8 ball tells me outcome not so good, so maybe we’ll have to go with Plan B.

Despite the weather forecast, we are beyond excited to be moving. We are already getting familiar with our new neighborhood by starting tennis lessons at a Rec Center down the street from our new place. Last night was the first lesson, and it was not quite what I was expecting. For starters, I was expecting an Andy Roddick lookalike as our instructor. Nope. Our instructor had dreadlocks, and might have been 20 years older than Andy. Secondly, I thought there’d be some old people in the class. Not so. I am probably the oldest person in the class. Which isn’t as bad as Laef’s dilemma: HE IS THE ONLY BOY IN THE CLASS. Yes, it’s 7 girls and one tall ass dude shanking balls all over the Barrington Rec Center.

It. Is. Fucking. Priceless.

More blogs to come on tennis lessons. Since we pretty much learned how to hold the racket, pick up balls and ran 2 laps yesterday, there’s not too much to report on Class 1. I However, I think some good material will be coming.

Maybe summer is starting to look up after all.

Well, my dirty mind was almost right. I thought for sure at some point the chefs would be required to make a dish using Padma’s breast milk. Before you eye roll at me for being completely inappropriate, was Padma, or was she not, putting her knockers on display in the first two episodes like some kind of foreshadowing for a boob challenge?

It turns out that her baby (and Tom’s) will in fact come into play this season. On this week’s episode the chefs compete for hookers and an 8 ball in the Quickfire challenge. They have to make a dish that will please Padma and Tom, but that can be pureed to please a baby. Personally, I found this challenge to be totally cockamamie because even though seared Duck and spinach puree might be OK for an adult, the thought of pureeing it together for a baby seems gross. Even the winning dishes – vegetable chowder with salmon, for example – didn’t seem like they could be kid-friendly even if they were whipped into a frenzy, put on a cute plastic spoon, and shoved in my mouth after doing the airplane maneuver. (Is it a fact that kids will only eat food if you make it seem like it’s coming in on a plane, train or teat?) For a much better description of why the Quickfire was lame, read this hilarious post.

Maybe Tom and Padma’s kids eat different things than normal babies since they have chef genes. Or maybe babies really like pureed Duck.

The Quickfire was all about bringing our attention to two people who, in all honesty, I had no idea were there until this week when they were atop the Quickfire challenge – Lynne and Tamesha, who were Tom’s top two. Padma picks Kenny and Angelo as her top two.

Tom picks Tamesha and Padma picks Kenny. They each win 10K.

The elimination challenge is way too complicated to explain, but they compete in teams of two and at the end of it one team (that’s two chefs) will be eliminated. They will cook a breakfast, lunch and dinner meal that should appeal to travelers staying at the Hilton Hotel. Why can’t Stephen and Lynne be on a team??!! Or Alex and Stephen???

No such luck.

I see a lot of Lynne in interview sessions, and I’m starting to get excited that she is going home. Her partner is Arnold, and since he “wants to be known as more than a Louis Vuitton bag”, there’s just too much evidence pointing to them going home. Seriously. Arnold will never be more than a Louis Vuitton bag. The guy gave great interviews, but he was afraid of scuff marks. Also, he said black mussels on black pasta provided a really great contrast. I just can’t anymore.

The best part of the entire elimination challenge was watching Isabella try to fit in at that judges table. He agreed with whatever Bryan or Padma or anyone else said. He also had food on his chin after every bite. Bryan picked apart every single dish, almost as if he couldn’t wait to be on the other side of the table. Bryan’s a great chef, and being judged day in and day out was probably not a fun experience for him. He’s a perfectionist to a fault, and it showed in his judging comments. Loved it.

Isabella made sure to point out that Bryan was hammered for messing up an egg during their season, and it was great to see them be able to reflect on the rigors of the competition and have a laugh about it.

I just loved how cocky and confident they were being at judges table as opposed to standing in front of it. They weren’t giving the chefs any breathing room at all. Probably because they weren’t given any during their season and it felt fucking good to dish some of that criticism back out.

Based on the judges nit-picking, it seems like all the chefs shit the bed on the breakfast challenge. Perhaps the judges were SICK OF EATING POACHED EGGS for 2 hours.

The teams Tim/Tiffany and Stephen (FUCK)/Angela win the breakfast portion of the elimination challenge and therefore they are safe, and done cooking.

The rest of the chefs have to now cook lunch.

Alex cooks the shit out of scallops and saves his team. Angelo does something pretty while looking pretty and saying pretty things and saves his team. Alex, Ed, Angelo and Tamesha are safe after the lunch round and do not have to cook dinner.

My eyeballs start to hurt as I now have to watch Lynne talk, cook, complain about oven temperature and lull me to sleep with her “I know how to cook pasta” blank stare as the remaining three teams cook dinner. I don’t know what anyone was making because at this point even I was tired of them cooking. This was a daunting challenge – cooking three dishes back-to-back-to-back had to have been exhausting. By the time dinner rolled around the three remaining teams were probably exhausted mentally. At that point, cooking can’t be that fun anymore.

I will be honest, after Kelly and Andrea won I wasn’t even trippin’. There’s no way they’d send Kenny home over some jus. It’s all they’ve got at this point – Kenny vs. Angelo. Although, Kelly is making a little run here. It might get interesting.

In the end, it’s LV and Lynne who go home, and no one will ever notice.

Quote of the night: Alex (besides the whole hookers and 8 ball thing) “I practice making babies, but not baby food.”

ICK.

Were the chefs cooking at the Hilton Washington DC? Because I wasn’t sure.

Before we get going with what actually happened, here are a few things that made me insane while watching this week’s episode.

These chefs couldn’t bake or use a grill. Most of them were whining about the quickfire, and continued to whine about using, gasp, COALS! This was by far the most frustrating episode to date. I’m no Michelan-winning chef, but we use our grill almost every weekend, and I could have out-cooked half those chefs. And, I know for a fact my friend SPL would have won that challenge. That Arnold won after copying Kenny’s set up was deplorable.

A few notes on the peeps:

Arnold: Clearly he doesn’t work in the kitchen. No, he writes menus. And wears pretty ties. Although, I do love grilling on my Weber, so maybe I need to look into whether or not it really does clog your pores. He might be on to something. He does have nice skin.

Tracey: I am going to need a clear explanation from Bravo as to how she made it on the show. Is there a psychic spinoff coming on Bravo? Is there a show about people who talk to meat? Perhaps a show about people who make back-to-back shit pie?

Alex: Oh, Alex. I can’t get over the fact that the guy looks like some kind of child molester. He didn’t help his cause when he proclaimed, “I’d wanna eat the ass out of this pig all day”, after grilling pork butt. Also, he’s never taken advantage of an intern. Har har.

Ed: He proclaims that he doesn’t like chocolate, cuts down Alex for being a slob who has no technique, blah blah blah. THEN HE MUMBLES SOMETHING ABOUT CELERY AND PEANUT BUTTER.

OHMYGOD.

Is this Top Chef or Top Celery and Peanut Butter? I loved, loved, loved when Gail asked Ed how his celery foam compared to his Grandmother’s. WTF does celery foam have to do with a good-ol’ pie?

ANYWAY, Elvis is judging the pie quickfire because Bravo has to pimp its new show, “Top Chef Just Desserts”, which Elvis will be judging with Gail. It’s definitely a clusterfuck having these chefs try to make pie, but some of them actually pull it off.

Thankfully, Juicy sent Kenny a note and he gets his first win! Yay for Kenny. I really like him. Part of it has to do with his demeanor. He’s pretty chill. Confident, but not cocky. He’s not spazzing all over the kitchen, and he takes the competition with Angelo in stride.

At this point, it’s Angelo 3, Kenny 1.

I perked up quite a bit when they described the elimination challenge. The chefs have to grill on a Weber grill with coals (it seemed as foreign to some of them as baking a pie) to make a picnic lunch for a group of interns. If you’re Arnold you call interns “bitches”, which he lets us know he has never been.

Then Arnold talks again with his hand to his ear in that I’m wayyyy too good to be grilling outside and sweating and cooking! kind of way. Actually, what he says is: “I’m not a grill guy. It’ll clog the pores way too fast” and “I’m looking four tables down to Kenny to see what he’s doing, and everything he does, I do.”

Psychic Tracey Spoiler Alert: Arnold ends up winning the elimination challenge with a lamb meatball skewered with lemongrass.

I don’t know which was worse: The fact that he won despite needing a guide to get his grill going or the fact that he seemed absolutely shocked to have won. So, at this point, it appears that only Angelo, Kenny, Amanda and Kelly actually expect to win.

I can’t say who I thought should have won in his place, but my vote goes to Angela for being the first person on Top Chef to talk about her cocaine and pill addiction during her 20s. Plus, Angelo seemed to really like her ribs. So, yeah, that would have been my vote. Unless the ribs were laced with something that lead to Angelo actually saying, “I think it was better than mine.”

And herein lies the dilemma with this season. I’m sure there will eventually be a top 4 that, because of editing, seem legit. But, when you look at Angelo next to the other chefs, it’s not a competition. Kenny is legit, but Angelo is by far the best chef there. He is able to handle any challenge with ease. That’s what a top chef does: takes what’s put in front of them and makes something yummy. If I wanted a crusty blueberry pie or a nasty seabass with raw bacon, I’d have Sanch whip it up for me.

I hope Top Chef Season 8 puts the best of the best against each other: Angelo, Kenny, Stefan, The Brothers V., Jen, Kevin, etc.

In the meantime, I will block Laef’s eyes from Padma in a tight yellow dress and Alex in child molester glasses.