Monday, 29. November 2010
I swear this is not suddenly a mommy blog where everything is “born” from here on out. But, if you had seen the process of Laef and I getting our first-ever Christmas tree, you might understand how it went from this blissful idea to a fucking trainwreck to a beautiful full-grown glistening tree that we are both so proud of!
This will be the first time Laef and I will be home on Christmas Day. We are usually visiting his family or my family. Therefore, I’ve never really gotten into the Christmas spirit at our house. It didn’t make much sense to me because we wouldn’t be home to enjoy the decorations or the tree. Not to mention, our house in Manhattan Beach was tiny, and we opted for a deep freezer in the middle of the living room, which trumped any idea of a Christmas tree. Or dining room table.
Anyway, us being home + me being sober pregnant = me being really excited to have a project. My project has become Christmas. And when it comes to Christmas trees, I’m all about a real tree. I guess I am sticking to my childhood Christmas tree tradition which means: real tree, rainbow-colored lights and a smorgasbord of random ornaments that have been around for umpteen years. Our ornament collection will start this year and in 12 years our kids will ask about the random stuffed Santa ornament that mommy seems to love so much.
Child: “This is ugly. Why do you always put it right in the front?”
Me: “Bitch, please. Well, sweetie, back in 2010 when we got our first tree, we didn’t have many ornaments. Mommy was at Ralphs, and what do you know? Right there in the middle of the freezer aisle they had stuffed Santa ornaments for $1.99 so I bought one. And someday you will want this stuffed santa front and center on your tree.”
Seeing as I wanted a real tree with lights and a few ornaments, I broached this to Laef. He was on board until he started looking online at trees. Then he started adding in the stand. And the lights, and my midnight sneak runs to Target to build our ornament collection, and then he started wishing we’d be visiting family this Christmas. I politely explained to him that I have spent zero dollars on Vodka, wine, sushi dinners, and that this pregnancy is actually saving us quite a bit of money (for the time being anyway) and that next year we won’t have to invest in all the accessories.
He then tells me that he saw trees at Ralphs. I was thinking more of the Christmas tree lot where you wander the lot in warm mittens and find your perfect tree, and then they deliver it to you. But the trees at Ralphs were decent looking, so it’s settled. We will buy our first-ever tree at Ralphs.
I might have suggested to Laef that we carry the tree from Ralphs back to our house. I might not have realized that 7′ tall Christmas trees weigh quite a bit. Instead, we will lift the tree onto my car in the middle of the parking lot where old men in white Range Rovers giggle from inside their warm car about the two rookies who are standing in the freezing wind tying a Ralphs tree to their car (TRUE STORY).
But, the joke was on them as they don’t seem to know my husband. Laef. Fucking. Morris. Handyman extraordinaire.
Um. Then we got home. And Laef took his MacGyver complex WAY too far. He said the tree was too heavy for us to carry up our stairs because I’m pregnant. But the true story was that he COULD NOT HELP HIMSELF FROM DOING THIS:
Of course our neighbors thought we were insane. No one thought it would work except for MacGyver so let’s not even talk about the amount of gloating that took place once the tree was inside.
Here’s where my fantasy really took a nasty turn. The tree was nailed into a stand. But we needed to remove it from the stand so that we could put it in our tree stand and give it water. Not to mention, it wasn’t exactly straight at the time of purchase and putting it in our own tree stand allowed us to make it straight. Unfortunately, there were five ginormous nails in the tree stand. Which were extremely difficult to remove. There was a lot of F-bombs and hammering. Then there was some major surgery needed to get the trunk to actually fit into the tree stand. Then there was the issue of the tree lights, which were apparently purchased while I was high because I bought two different kinds, which isn’t the end of the world, but when I originally had this vision of a tree, it never included a mishmash of lights.
No matter, there were enough lights to fill the tree, and eventually I realized that our first tree would be a learning experience. And in the end we were both super, super excited about it. Laef even suggested walking to CVS because we didn’t have a topper for it. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that the CVS silver star tree topper won’t be the one that gets brought out for years to come, but it works for 2010.
The only issue now is Sanch. Everyday we will hope to come home and find the tree still standing in all its glory.