Tales from La La Land

The blog is suffering. I guess I can attribute it to writers block. There’s also a small part of me that rebelled after finishing the marathon. For months, I had to be diligent about running. The training became another thing in a never-ending to-do list.

Blogging is not necessarily a “to-do”. Obviously, if I don’t want to write, no one makes me. But, I do feel a little guilty when I leave it for weeks on end. Like I’m letting the domain go to waste. I mean, what is the point of owning the domain or having a blog if you never write on it?

This past weekend, Laef and I drove to the Bay Area to visit my family. If nothing else, I wanted to put something up for my sister and Art, who claim to check everyday.

So, here’s a brief history of what’s been going on post-marathon.

The weekend after the race, I went to San Diego for a girls night with Erin, Debbie and Kristen. It was exactly what I needed to get me out of my funk. I hadn’t been able to run the whole week, and I definitely felt “off”. Maybe it’s because my feet looked like they went through the woodchipper Fargo style. Seriously, my feet were a hot mess, and my girl Erin either didn’t want to be seen with me in flip flops, or she’s just a sweet girl (all signs point to all of the above) so she treated me to a pedicure in San Diego before the start of girls night.

It is amazing how far a little pampering can go. I didn’t even know my toes could look that cute. I ventured way out of my comfort zone (I’m usually a black nail polish kind of girl) and got bright pink toes with little white flowers. Again. WHO am I? It was so fun to sit with a friend, read trashy magazines and have my feet rubbed.

Debbie sent us a message the morning of girls night and warned “Make sure you carb load for lunch. You’re going to need a solid base for tonight.”

Erin and I decided that wine and sushi were a perfectly acceptable base.

Girls night was, um, goofy. Pictures have been deleted to protect everyone. You know, in the event they decide to run for public office.  Let’s just say that there were multiple costume changes, wigs, sunglasses, bright red lipstick, and a lot of vodka. We capped the evening by watching Betty White on SNL. I may or may not have passed out on the couch in full makeup and a sparkly blue tank top I stole out of Kristen’s closet. (I wanted my girls night clothes to be as cute as Debbie’s, and felt very un-girly in my UCLA sweatshirt).

This past weekend, Laef and I headed North to visit family. What it boiled down to was the usual – my sister and Neil did a lot of cooking (I made the mimosas so I did contribute something); my sister stole from her younger baby brother; I dominated everyone at Wii table tennis (wakeboarding is a totally different story); Laef, Neil and Mike actually combined to drink 5 beers; I somehow convinced Neil to allow the TV to be on collegiate softball; I gave Sophie candy at 10 a.m. which is apparently a big no-no for kids; and I left my cell phone sitting on a park bench only to realize it once we made it all the way back home. (Surprisingly, it was still sitting there when I went back. Damn. Kind of wanted an excuse for an iPhone).

Hanging out with the family is complete and total chaos BLISS. I actually love the madness and wouldn’t have it any other way. On Sunday before Laef and I headed back home, I took Sophie to a yogurt shop that lets you do everything by yourself. You serve your yogurt and then you get to put whatever toppings on that you see fit. In the end, you are charged by weight. Of course, being  the aunty (and being that I got to leave before her sugar high hit), I let Sophie get whatever toppings she wanted. I can tell you that she opted for: Gummy worms, chocolate sprinkles, Reeses Pieces, Reeses peanut butter cups, chocolate syrup and M&Ms. All on top of rasberry yogurt. Who would of thought chocolate syrup and gummy worms go together?

We are back home now, and because I don’t have running to keep me occupied, I am focusing my time on moving. Sadly, we will be vacating our little beach bungalow in July. It is definitely bittersweet as we have so many great memories from living in Manhattan Beach. However, we have outgrown the place and are tired of commuting to work everyday. So, on the bright side, we will be living closer to UCLA to avoid the madness of the 405 freeway, and we will finally have a guest bedroom!

Because of my excitement re: more space, I may or may not have already starting packing. This type of behavior makes Laef insane. I’m just trying to avoid one of those 13-hour moving days where you do everything in one day – pack, load the car, unpack. Those days SUCK. I’m pretty sure I will see the Longeteig’s on my doorstep in July since I think I’ve helped them move once. Or 9 times.

Blog-neglect happens to everyone. And this is totally not going to be a post about how I’ve been neglecting the blog.

However, I figured I should put something up to bury that stupid Office Max Blog. You know, the one where I thought I was soooo creative with the headline? Sometimes I think I’m super funny and/or witty only to find out years (and, sometimes days) later that I was, in actuality, a giant tool.

So, anyway, since I last wrote that post, not much has happened. I thought about writing a post chronicling the shower dialogue between Laef and I, but I figured it’d make people super gaggy. But, we can not be the only ones who draw hearts with random hair on the shower wall.

Or can we?

Laef took it to a new level last week,  stringing together many of his fallin’ brethren to draw an entire face with a giant smile (not a good sign for the top of Laef’s head.) Then this morning I got in the shower and noticed that Laef had gone even further. He drew a penis. With balls. And pubes.

All I can tell you is this: When it’s 6:30 a.m., and you are fucking pissed off at your alarm clock and the cat who meows from 6 a.m.-6:30 a.m., NOTHING will make your morning more than seeing a giant penis drawn with hair on the shower wall. I cracked up. I can’t remember the last time I laughed at 6:30 a.m. on a work day.

The pressure is now on me to draw something for Laef’s enjoyment.

I guess I don’t care if you get gaggy or not. At least I didn’t include pictures of the hearts or the “Hi!” or the .

Then I thought writing a post about marathon training, and how I am on the home stretch in a sense. However, I don’t want to jinx it. I have one long run left – 19 miles this weekend – and can then begin to taper a bit. Next weekend, my long run will be 8 miles, and I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but: 8 miles at this stage is a cakewalk*.  The marathon is 2 weeks from Sunday. UNREAL. Can’t wait. There’s not much more to blog about the training – it’s kind of shitty, and if not for the help of some great friends (Angie, Erin), it would have been a lot worse. It’s draining physically and mentally, but I know the payoff is going to be WELL worth it. So, I am very excited for race day.

Other than that, there’s not much to tell. Laef is completely dialed into the Cardinals baseball season, so I just sit back and watch him swear at the TV or look doey-eyed at Albert Pujols every time is up to bat. I am completely dialed into the Real Housewives of New York City so Laef sits back and yells obscenities to me while pretending not to watch (he actually asked me yesterday if Jill and Bettheny were friends yet).

TGIF!

*Please don’t let me eat shit or get hurt on this run because I called it easy. Please.

Just a reminder that on Sunday I will be live blogging at The Cooler during the E! Red Carpet extravaganza. The telecast begins at 6 p.m. ET/3 p.m. PT, so I will go live just before 3 p.m. PST. I’m no expert in movies – or even fashion – but I like to see what people are wearing, what they say, who they’re with, etc. Last year there were a lot of people (OK, by a lot I mean Lamb) who came over to join that chat, and that made it more fun. I just re-read the comments and am cracking up. I hope you guys will stop by and share your thoughts again.

In completely unrelated news (unless we see some of the starlets holding one on the red carpet), why do we need a 31-oz option at Starbucks?

When I read about this, I had to roll my eyes a little. Starbucks is now trying to keep up with the likes of McDonalds and Dunkin’ Donuts. I guess the good news is that they’ll only be offering iced coffee and tea in this size, but it’s only a matter of time before Britney rolls in, demanding that they put her Frap in the 31-oz cup, is photographed with it, and then of course, everyone else will want what she has.

My co-worker is from France. It’s so interesting to see how he approaches food. It’s a completely different mentality from how we do it in the US. Frenchie eats very, very slowly. And he doesn’t eat huge portions. He eats small portions, seemingly savoring every bite. He would never need a 31-oz drink because it would probably take him 2 years to finish it.

So, anyway, it seems as though you can get a super size of just about anything these days. And they wouldn’t offer it if there wasn’t a demand, so I’m probably alone in thinking it’s insane.

See you Sunday!

As in 20-second time out.

It’s time for me to admit that the blog is probably the furthest thing from my mind.

Today is May 4. Which means June 4 is ONE month away. Which means I have essentially been engaged for ONE year. What. The. Fuck. This was the fastest year of my life.

We are 10 weeks from W day. Things are fine and coming together and everything should be OK, but my brain is at full capacity. Between work, figuring out how the fuck to make Chinese lanterns work and arguing over our first dance song, I tend to forget to write such things in a blog.

Also, I recently had a scare with a scary person that made me wish I didn’t put forth so much info on the blog.

A couple of weeks ago, I was trying to call a coworker on her cell. I mis-dialed her number by one digit. When I heard the random answering machine, I hung up and called her on the correct number.

Well, whoever I accidentally called, decided to call me and scream, “WHO IS THIS? I will find you and fucking kill you.” Click.

Um.

What. The. Fuck.

I then got a text that said, “I find you…”

So, yeah, I don’t really like spooky things and was fucking panicked that some maverick was in his basement splicing phone wires and tracking me down. Or reading my blog knowing every last detail of my life.

Anywasted, I know the blog sucks and I am horrible mother, but I’m sort of preoccupied. The bachelorette party is two weeks away and I am pretty sure there might be some good stories.

But, I will change all names and blur all faces in photos!!!

Check out all of the red carpet dish from my live-blog over at The Cooler on Sunday.

It was a lot of fun and a big thanks to everyone who joined in. The comments were hilarious and it was fun to have all the interaction.

Let’s be honest. One of my all-time favorite movies is Secretary so I don’t hold much street cred in the movie department.

But, I am overly excited that I will be live blogging over at The Cooler this Sunday. While I may not be half (OK, 1/8) the movie buff that my good friend Jason Bellamy is, I have read enough Perez Hilton, TMZ and US Weekly to qualify for writing about the good stuff – the red carpet pre-show.

Beginning at 6 p.m./3 p.m. PST I’ll be drunk live blogging about the sites (possible Aniston-Pitt encounter) and sounds (Mickey Rourke, anyone?) of E! TV’s red carpet deliciousness. I hope you all will pop over so we can dish and gossip and gaggle at all of the beautiful people.

There are sure to be some awkward moments, questionable fashion choices and long pauses after questions that are deemed too personal. So, I am really looking forward to it, and also writing down my thoughts.

Last night, I was getting very excited and a million thoughts were racing through my mind. I jotted down a bunch of notes about different actors/actresses, movie experiences and things I hope to touch on.

Then I got this super great idea and I ran it by Laef.

Me: “What if I got all dressed up, put on tons of makeup, did my hair and wore that black booby dress. Then, we could dress you up like a douchey actor and we could act out a red carpet interview!!!”
Laef: BLANK AS FUCK STARE
Me: “I have been wanting to vlog for like two months. This is the perfect vlog opportunity.”
Laef: “What is a vlog?”
Me: “A video blog!!!”
Laef: “What’s your other idea?”

Sure, there are some logistical problems. If both Laef and I are IN the vlog, who will record it? I am working with The Sanch to see if he will learn the on/off button if given wet food.

Also, this requires me to shower and put on makeup on a Sunday. That hasn’t happened in …. ever.

Check back Sunday to see if we pulled it off!

TGIF

This morning I woke up horrified with myself.

Me: “Hey, um. I had a dream that Brittany kept showing you her boobies.”
Laef: “What did they look like?”
Me: “I don’t know. I was mad, left in the car, but realized I was in Ohio and didn’t know how to get anywhere.”
Laef: “I had a dream about Bill Clinton. He knew my name. I was so stoked.”
Me: “Hmmm. Something is not right here.”
Laef: “I would have preferred your dream. We should sleep touching heads tonight and see if we can trade dreams.”

Yeah, because clearly everything is ass backwards around here. I should be dreaming about hot ex-Presidents. NOT Brittany’s boobies.

That’s what the blog world will do to you though. It plays with your mind. These people are in your head all day long, sharing deep personal stories about everything from peeing their pants to boiling diapers to crazy nights with their future husbands.

Anywasted, thank god I dreamt about Brittany and not Lamb. Because Lamb probably would have been sitting ON Laef while showing him her new pregnant boobies.

That might not be true. I am not sure.

In case you’re 87 and don’t know (or Laef who was too YOUNG to know) that’s a line from a Fabolous song.

But, we’re not really here to talk about him. We’re here to talk about how the Dutchess of Kickball gave me a “Your Blog is Fabulous” award. To be honest, I am more excited about the fact that a girl who is a part of “20-something bloggers” let’s me play along. I could be 20. Or 25. Or 29. Or 34, but whatever.

Anyway, I am supposed to name five things I am addicted to and then pass the award on to five other bloggers. I am not passing it to anyone on my blogroll because those bitches (Lamb), Hos (Brittany) and pimps (Ben) already know they are F-A-B-O-L-O-U-S in my book.

I am addicted to:

1. Cup O’ Noodles
2. Blackberry
3. TV (RHOC, GG, The Bachelor, Nip/Tuck, The L-Word, Real World, Top Chef)
4. Facebook
5. Chapstick

And the awards go to: McMommywood (No better place to get a RHOC fix), AJ(I feel like she knows everything there is to know about me), Cook To Bang (Food, The F word and sex. Right up my alley), Smartass Milf (What can I say? I liked the title. And she’s a Gemini), D Listed (I know it shouldn’t count, but I love that shit).

Dutchess also had a delurking blog a while back. She basically said that if you visited, you had to leave a comment. Do you think you could do that? If you’re here, say hi. And, if you’re the guy (or gal) that labeled my blog as porn, GFY.

Heart.

Although I did pretty well following my resolutions from last year, I decided that I’m only going to make one this year.

Get Rich Or Die Tryin’.

I haven’t come up with the game plan yet, and although I have racked up double-digits in revenue for my blog since October, I don’t think the LaLa Land page is going to help me become the next 50 Cent.

However, I was recently informed by Brittany that she Stumbled one of my posts for me, but when she went to Stumble my main page, she could not because someone already had. And, this someone labeled my page as PORN and ADULT content.

The only person who can remove this label is the person who put the PORN tag on it in the first place. Since I don’t know who it is, it will stay like that.

And, since I’m determined to Get Rich Or Die Tryin’, look for some sweet-ass adult content in the coming year.

XO

So, I am in the land of dial up internet and sparce cell phone service and asked my friend Brittany to blog for me. We became internet BFFs, and since both my family and fiancee are obsessed with her, to me it was pretty much the same as Angelina Jolie guest posting. They both have 80 kids or whatever.

Anyway, if you are not reading Brittany’s blog, you’re whack. I really did email her after reading her for the first time because she does funny and funky like no other. If I wasn’t getting married this year, I’d like to think we’d be BlogHer roomies, although, I’m totally a freshamn to her senior and I’m sure she’d diss the shit out of me…Anywyay, here’s her guest post.

Heart.

I have known Allison for pretty much my whole life. We met in grade school, but I totally hated her because she had the same exact Hello Kitty trapper keeper as me, only mine was way better since it was full of the sweetest Lisa Frank unicorn folders ever made, but still, she tried to steal my thunder, and everyone knows I am a whore when it comes to attention. But, somewhere around Junior High, she totally saved my ass when I started my period on on the risers during Choir practice when I was wearing my fave white Guess Mini skirt. We’ve pretty much been best friends ever since.

Completely made that up.

Not the period part, that totally happened. Took a lot of bleach to save that mini.

Anyways.

I met Allison online. I hate saying that out loud because it makes me feel like we met on Match.com.

Which we totally didn’t. But, if I was a lesbian, I would totally check out her profile, because not only is she super hot, but she loves the movie The Secretary, and quotes Clueless.

Which pretty much puts her up there with such heroes as Mary Magdalene (the saint version, not the dirty hooker one), Rosa Parks, and that surfer girl who had her entire arm bitten off by a shark, but then totally still surfed after that, even though she only had one arm left, and nothing but, like, a shoulder hump left on the other side.

Craziness.

Moving on. This post is supposed to be about Allison and her sweet ass blog, which turned one on the 11th. My big plan was to go back to the very beginning of her blog, but, it turns out, not only does her blog contain a bajillion pictures of nieces and nephews but none of me, it also doesn’t have an archive menu. And, I am too pregnant to sit here and hit the older posts link 94957867 times.

Even though being pregnant has nothing to do with how lazy I am.

Although, it kinda does, because I am sitting here trying to eat my leftover lomein and a baggie of Corn Pops, and I am a right handed eater, but it turns out I am also a right handed mouse clicker. So, it’s a no go on the blog memory lane.

Either way, I totally remember the day I got an email from a young Allison. Of course, she was all, you’re a genius, your writing is brilliant, I want wear your skin as a dress…which is pretty typical for me. A day in the life, if you will.

But, it was different with Allison, and with time, her innocent blog about life in LA turned into the balls. She was cursing, and drunk, and having conversations with the Sanch, and calling bitches out, and a total skank in the bedroom (unless her mother in law is reading this, in which case, I know for a fact her and Laef are waiting until after the wedding, just like Jesus says.)

She was totally me in a non-knocked up, exercising, 3 hour time difference kind of way.

And, that’s why you should all be reading her blog, and telling your friends to do the same. She is relatable and honest. Which is a hard find these days, with the overcrowding of lame ass copy cat blogs. I am praying for the day Dooce gets off my nuts and starts posting some original material.

Plus, I have a feeling this next year is going to bring some great post material, with some ultra fab nuptials in the near future.

If only I could talk them into moving back west to the motherland. So she can start popping out 3 foot tall Laef babies, and I would finally have someone to watch People’s Court and eat Hot Pockets with during the day.