Tales from La La Land

Sigh.

If only this season of Top Chef were one ounce as exciting as the for real final four. We are now on the home stretch with only four chefs remaining. This is when the competition should take an uber-competitive, exciting turn. Except that we’ve got Kevin, Kelly, Angelo and Ed. Personally, I wanted Tiffany in the final four and Kevin sent on his way. Tiffany’s personality was starting to grow on me, and she did provide somewhat of a spark during the competitions. Kelly, on the other hand, is a better chef, but fuckin’ A she has one expression, and one expression only. She’s a walking bottle of Xanax, flatlined at all times.

Which is exactly why Eric Ripert loved her boring-ass (albeit probably yummy) halibut dish. It was super simple, and very plain. It was an all-white plate with a tiny hint of green. Nothing made my life more than Anthony Bourdain poking fun at Ripert. They are so different in their styles and tastes, it was fun to see them have a little fun. I don’t think I’d ever want to cook for Eric Ripert. He seems so…strict. Food should be allowed to be a little fun and colorful from time to time, which is apparently why Kevin and Ed did well in Bourdain’s eyes this week.

I think it was Angelo who said, “It’s all up to subjectivity at this point.” And you could see that during judges table. You’ve got 4 different egos, who are all considered to be at the top of their culinary game (although, I am not sure what Padma’s level of skill is other than wearing a suit and tie to a Quickfire) with completely different tastes, likes and dislikes.

From my view on the couch, it seemed that all four chefs did a good job this week. Nobody embarrassed themselves. And, if Tiffany’s dish was crappy, they did a good job of leading us to believe that it was a close call.

To be honest, it was hard to even concentrate on what the judges were saying because all I saw was a face full of braces.

At this point, I’ve got to believe that Angelo’s back in the driver’s seat, and his “setback” was only to keep things interesting. I can’t decide if it will be Kelly or Ed next to him in the final. My gut says Kelly.

The sad thing is, I could give two shits as to who wins. I definitely don’t want Kevin to win, but I don’t care who wins. None of these people has grown on me in any way. Ed admitted to Facebook stalking the guest judge, and his creepy, “Nice to meet you”, just continued his string of awkward, icky behavior. Kelly seems like she has a nice life, with a nice sommelier husband, with a nice house in a nice neighborhood and a sweet dog. Boring. She should get a tattoo or something. Angelo is a weird-ass dude. As more details of his life trickle out, the more I think “Whatever! Fine, he’s the best chef, hurry up and let him win so I no longer have to see him every week!” Kevin wants to be there more than anyone else because he’s still trying to make a name for himself. Whatever. PPYKAG.

Ever since Hard Knocks started on HBO, my desire to watch Top Chef Season 7 is fading. Fast. Both shows are on at the same time, but because I can watch the East Coast version of Top Chef, I press on.

Last night I was actually intrigued by the challenge because one of my favorite pastimes is going baseball games. Admittedly, the best part of this pastime is the beer and food. While I do think the Dodger Dog is somewhat overrated, there’s still something so satisfying about drinking a $10 beer with a 10-foot long hot dog on a scorching Saturday afternoon.

Laef and I were just discussing our plans to see the San Diego Padres play at St. Louis in September and we had the following exchange:

Me: “Maybe we should eat at Subway before the game so we have more beer money.”

Laef: “Good idea. But, you’ll still get Nachos anyway.”

True. Dat. My weapon of choice at ANY event that serves a selection of terrible-for-you-but-oh-so-good food is NACHOS.

None of the chefs made nachos last night. I can’t really blame them. How do you make nachos fancy?

However, resident freak Amanda decided to make tuna tartar. As soon as she asked Angelo how to prep it, I thought: “Mandy. You in danger, girl.”

First of all: I can’t even imagine tuna tartar in Washington D.C. at a baseball game with the potential of humidity and a heat wave. Is this what really happened to Stephen Strasburg? Did he throw Amanda’s tartar across the stadium after eating one bite? Did he hurt himself in doing so? Tartar has no business at a stadium, UNLESS you are in a suite that has air conditioning and champagne.

Anyway, her tartar was gray. Gross. She was babbling on and on and on and on this entire episode. It’s as if Bravo wanted to give us every last bit of footage of Amanda so we could hold on to that image of her lip mole and her annoying “Nothing I ever make is every going to be good…WAHHHHHHHHH” inner monologue. Bitch, you made mac and cheese. LAEF makes mac and cheese. Don’t overextend yourself girlfriend.

Luckily for me, Amanda was sent packing, and I don’t have to bitchslap her on this blog anymore. My issue with Amanda is that she never seemed to know what she was doing. She was unfocused, scatterbrained and wasn’t able to conceptualize a dish. Ever. If you want to use tuna, then you better have an idea of something that you know you can make. Why are you asking Angelo how to prep the tuna? This is Top Chef, not culinary school.

Other notables from last night:  Ed in Tiffany’s dress. What’s there to say other than it’s where he’s wanted to be all season? Is it going to be Tiffany versus Ed as the final two? Are they going to ride off to New Zealand together? Because combined, those two are racking up money and trips like nobody else.

Angelo: Somewhere along the line, Angelo took a turn. He’s clearly not the same person he was during the first 3 episodes. Honestly, I think he’s fucking with us. I think it’s a game to him at this point. He’s either not taking the competition seriously, or he has some Russian bride side issue that is hindering his ability to think clearly. I have no idea, but he’s not the frontrunner he once was. BTW, ick, ick, ick, ick. I do not want to see him in the doggy-style position talking in his sweet voice to his Russian fuck buddy. EW.

Tiffany: The next top chef? Soups and stews are her go-to, and she seems to nail flavor with every dish she puts out. If she has simple food, with great flavor, it’s likely she will cruise into the finals. It’s hard for me to buy her as the Top Chef, but she really does have an idea every week of what she wants to make, and every week she makes something that the judges like. Just, for the love of everything, do NOT let Ed in that dress. Ever.

Ed: Loved that he admitted he won a free trip to New Zealand for some annoying risotto balls.

Kelly: Angelo nailed it when he said she’s a fierce competitor, but that it’s subtle. She’s very cool, calm and collected (except when there are hot baseball players in her space…um, hello, who wouldn’t be!?) and I like the way she methodically handles every challenge, and the competiton as a whole. Another potential winner at this point.

Kevin: Meh. I’m not a Kevin fan. There’s nothing wrong with him, per se, he’s just not interesting or exciting at all.

I hope they serve food at Jets training camp next week. The challenge should be: Make something healthy for Cafe Ryan so that coach doesn’t get in trouble with the nutritionists or his wife.

Things have been quite busy around the Morris household over the past two weeks, so I haven’t been as speedy with my Top Chef recaps as I was during the first few episodes. I watched part of the episode on Wednesday night and watched the second half last night.

But, I actually knew who went home before watching the second half so I’ve had some time to stew over this week’s debacle.

If you want to look at it as a cooking competition, and want to send people home based on each individual competition and dish, fine. The giant piece of blue cheese did seem to be a little much, and I’m not a big fan of beets, so I can understand the problem with Kenny this week. HOWEVER, not everyone can manage a team of chefs. What he did in the kitchen went beyond his cooking skills, and it was rather impressive.

To be fair, Angelo did the same for his team – although the red team was a bit more chaotic in the kitchen. So, if you’re looking at the two of them head-t0-head, Angelo > Kenny this week because he managed his team AND put out a really tasty dish.

As in past seasons, the cream is starting to rise to the top and the shit is sinking at the bottom. Under no circumstances should Alex or Amanda be on this show longer than Kenny. UNDER NONE. How? Forget about the fact that Kenny did poorly this week. Look at the bigger picture. What in the GD hell is Alex doing there? Or Amanda? They can do NOTHING. First of all, Alex didn’t even cook a dish because he couldn’t even do that right. Then he starts berating the servers (like, ooh, I’m a chef, and the one thing I CAN do is talk down to people) and by the time he gets out to greet people, Tom can barely look him in the eye. Can’t run the house. Can’t cook. Can barely walk without falling down.

I don’t know if Kenny deserves to be in the Top 4. He’s had some missteps with his food along the way, but, I do know that there are two people still competing that should not have outlasted him.

And this season continues to grate on my fucking nerves. SO MUCH.

The only thing I was thinking about last night while watching Top Chef was the book, The Princess and the Pea. When I was little, I would read that book over and over and over because I couldn’t believe that she felt the pea under all the mattresses! I would stare at the pictures in that book and ponder this. For hours. And, OF COURSE, I put a pea under my mattress, and was devastated to learn that I must not be a princess because I couldn’t feel the pea, and I ONLY HAD ONE MATTRESS!

Seriously, this book consumed my time, yo.

So, last night, this boring season of Top Chef had a controversy! And it didn’t have anything to do with Angelo and Kenny!

Here are the basic details of said controversy. Pervert 1 (Ed) prepped a pea puree that he was going to use the following day. Pervert 2 (Alex), prepped no such pea puree, and yet, on the day of the competition has a beautiful pea puree under his salmon. Meanwhile, P1 (Ed) can’t find his pea puree anywhere. It disappeared from the coolers! On to Alex’s plate!

To make things even more salty for Ed, Alex actually wins the elimination challenge. And, at one point during the dinner, Padma comments that the best thing on Alex’s plate is his pea puree.

I don’t know why I labeled these two as perverts, but they both give me the skeeves, so I’m calling them perverts.

I’m going to come right out and say it: I’m giving the majuh squirrel side eye on this whole damn thing. To me, it doesn’t make any sense. The editing made it seem as though it was so F’n obvious to every single person that Alex stole it. So, I am confused as to why Ed didn’t walk over to his station and tear it out of his hands. The pea puree didn’t just walk out of the cooler and onto Alex’s plate. If that was Bryan Voltaggio he would have beat Alex’s ass. I’m uber-confused as to how Ed let it go. Or did Ed think there was a slight possibility that Alex actually did make a pea puree?

Secondly, Tom Colicchio writes on his blog today, “First of all, if there’s a single viewer who still wondered whether the judges know what goes on behind the scenes (and make decisions with any of that in mind), I would hope that this incident would have laid that to rest forevermore.” And later adds: “Not even I knew about the controversy, even though I spent some time in the kitchen, as I had arrived there after Ed had gone searching for his pea puree and there was no mention of the issue to me by any of the contestants while I was there.”

Wait. Am I on glue or was Tom C.  in the kitchen while this shit was brewing? Also, if you go back and watch the scene, you will see Tom standing right there as Ed is running all around yelling about pea puree! There’s NO way Tom has zero clue as to what is happening in the kitchen. No way. The whole point of him being in the kitchen is to observe. It seems to me that this incident was a giant issue, so if he was in there – if only for 5 minutes – he’d know.

But, he’s trying to convince us of a couple different things: that the judges make decision based solely on the food and not the drama behind the scenes, and that he had no idea what was going on.

I don’t want to be too cynical, but reality TV isn’t reality. These shows need to create story lines and drama. And, in this particular instance, it’s the only thing to really talk about after watching last night’s episode so maybe it worked. Also, it happened between two contestants that don’t matter all that much. I doubt either will be in the final 4, so there’s no harm in getting them mixed up in a dirty controversy.

Now, I’m not calling my boy Tom C. a liar (well, I kind of am), but I’m just not going to believe everything I read or see because someone tells me it’s “reality” and there’s an integrity to the competition.

There’s also a thing called ratings.

Let me be honest.  I had half an eye on Top Chef, half an eye on g-chat, half an eye on the few remaining boxes to be unpacked and half an eye on my vodka/soda. Not only is my husband super handy around the house, he is also super keen on what will lead to sex: Realizing that we have new cable, and thus none of my shows are recording, he took the liberty of recording both Top Chef and The Real World DC (yes, I am still watching Real World. MTV gets me every time).

I almost felt annoyed by having to watch Top Chef. I am not feeling these misfits. I had to give the super squirrel eye when Andrea said that she and Michelle Bernstein were rivals in Miami. I wasn’t sure I could believe this as one is a James Beard award-winning chef and the other is somewhere in the middle of the pack on a lackluster season of a reality show. But, later, Andrea delves deeper into the issue and explains that while she started a family (3 kids) and focused on that, Michelle rose to stardom.

Which is a giant topic that could be discussed for hours. Could Andrea have raised three kids AND become a famous chef? Based on her words, the answer is no. Which, I completely understand. If she’s focusing solely on her career, working long hours in a restaurant in the middle of the night, who is making sure he kids are fed, loved and nurtured? Her husband, maybe. But, that requires a lot of sacrifices, and ultimately, for Andrea (like most mothers) raising a family > pursuing her career to the degree that she would be a James Beard winner by 39.

So, I thought a lot about this as Laef and I have begun really thinking about starting a family. Almost everyone that I talk to about getting ready to have kids asks me: Are you going to stay at your job? The truth is, I have every intention of going back to work after my maternity leave is over. I like working. I like what I do, and how productive I feel at the end of the day. I like being around people, working on projects, planning meetings and being out in the world. I am not sure that being a stay-at-home mom is for me. Of course, I might have a different thought once I actually have a baby. Maybe I will decide that I want my career to be raising children into respectable human beings. Maybe I’ll want to have a career AND be a mom. All I know is that I want the option to do both. And be good at both simultaneously.

I digress.

Back to cock and balls.

I mean, honestly. Is this season for real? The quickfire was to use unique (um, hello, Duck balls) proteins. I forgot who won. It’s not even that important.

The Elimination challenge had the chefs work in two teams. What struck me as completely whack was that Team A got to judge Team B’s food with the judges. Then Team B got to judge Team A’s food. Now, I wasn’t there. I didn’t taste Kenny’s food or Tamesha’s or anyone else’s. But there was some funky shit going on with how this all went down. Angelo was seen helping Tamesha through the entire episode. I believe he even tasted her food. He had a huge hand in her dish. So, he’s on the team that leads the charge of putting Kenny in the bottom, and the other chef to end up in the bottom is Tamesha.

I’m too lazy to try and understand what Angelo’s intentions with Tamesha were. What was the benefit to him to sabotage Tamesha – someone who he seemed to be friends with? She was the one who was sent home, and Kenny survives another judges table.

Perhaps it was just editing, but the chefs certainly weren’t all that kind to each other. Maybe it was supposed to be a learning experience. Maybe they were told to be critical and find the flaws so that maybe they could understand how to make food better. Whatever the case, they looked like catty bitches who didn’t support one another. Or maybe the competition is fierce and everyone is fighting to stay.

Next week we see more of Ed’s showmance with Tiffany and I’m already gagging.

Uncomfortable mentorships?

Check.

Crabs baked alive?

Check.

Crabs fried alive?

Check.

Crabs hacked in half while kicking?

Check.

Crab hepatopancreas all over Alex’s table?

Check.

Cooking in freezing temperatures with a Toyota pantry?

Check.

Everything about Episode 5 was uncomfortable for me. From the beginning to the very end. First we see Angelo and his balding head whispering cooking tips into Tamesha’s ear. Then he talks about her sexiness. As if that wasn’t disconcerting enough, we then see Ed nuzzling up to Tiffany.

My brain got confused because I started thinking that I was watching Real World DC. For a few fuzzy moments I had completely forgotten that I was, in fact, watching a cooking show.

Bravo gets me back on track with a crab challenge. OK, now we’re talking. I like crab. Then Angelo says, “I had crabs. This brings back bad memories.”

Again, with the Real World talk. Now I can’t even think straight.

Back to the crabs. Just as I was not prepared for the softer side of Ed, I was NOT PREPARED TO WATCH LIVE CRABS COOKED, CHOPPED, BAKED, BOILED ALIVE.

I get it. That’s part of cooking. I watched Julie and Julia. I know you have to boil them alive. But, this was too much. Too many waving claws through the oven window. Too many claws from too many angles.

It took me a while to get over what I had seen, and I’m not even sure what people made. I think Ed won. Woo.

Moving on to the elimination challenge. This was almost as painful for me to watch as slow-dying crabs. Who wants to cook under a dark sky in the freezing cold? The whole challenge seemed dark, cold, uncomfortable and strange. Why was there a giant table out in the freezing cold? How can you keep warm food warm? Why is Angelo calling Tamesha’s cherry compote sexy? Did Kenny knock over that couscous on purpose?

It was hard to tell what everyone cooked because, again, I was thrown off by so many other weird details. Timothy went home, and I did perk up at that point. Because I thought I’d finally be rid of Stephen’s creepy mug. No such luck.

Still waiting for a breakthrough episode that makes me proud to be a Top Chef fan.

Well, my dirty mind was almost right. I thought for sure at some point the chefs would be required to make a dish using Padma’s breast milk. Before you eye roll at me for being completely inappropriate, was Padma, or was she not, putting her knockers on display in the first two episodes like some kind of foreshadowing for a boob challenge?

It turns out that her baby (and Tom’s) will in fact come into play this season. On this week’s episode the chefs compete for hookers and an 8 ball in the Quickfire challenge. They have to make a dish that will please Padma and Tom, but that can be pureed to please a baby. Personally, I found this challenge to be totally cockamamie because even though seared Duck and spinach puree might be OK for an adult, the thought of pureeing it together for a baby seems gross. Even the winning dishes – vegetable chowder with salmon, for example – didn’t seem like they could be kid-friendly even if they were whipped into a frenzy, put on a cute plastic spoon, and shoved in my mouth after doing the airplane maneuver. (Is it a fact that kids will only eat food if you make it seem like it’s coming in on a plane, train or teat?) For a much better description of why the Quickfire was lame, read this hilarious post.

Maybe Tom and Padma’s kids eat different things than normal babies since they have chef genes. Or maybe babies really like pureed Duck.

The Quickfire was all about bringing our attention to two people who, in all honesty, I had no idea were there until this week when they were atop the Quickfire challenge – Lynne and Tamesha, who were Tom’s top two. Padma picks Kenny and Angelo as her top two.

Tom picks Tamesha and Padma picks Kenny. They each win 10K.

The elimination challenge is way too complicated to explain, but they compete in teams of two and at the end of it one team (that’s two chefs) will be eliminated. They will cook a breakfast, lunch and dinner meal that should appeal to travelers staying at the Hilton Hotel. Why can’t Stephen and Lynne be on a team??!! Or Alex and Stephen???

No such luck.

I see a lot of Lynne in interview sessions, and I’m starting to get excited that she is going home. Her partner is Arnold, and since he “wants to be known as more than a Louis Vuitton bag”, there’s just too much evidence pointing to them going home. Seriously. Arnold will never be more than a Louis Vuitton bag. The guy gave great interviews, but he was afraid of scuff marks. Also, he said black mussels on black pasta provided a really great contrast. I just can’t anymore.

The best part of the entire elimination challenge was watching Isabella try to fit in at that judges table. He agreed with whatever Bryan or Padma or anyone else said. He also had food on his chin after every bite. Bryan picked apart every single dish, almost as if he couldn’t wait to be on the other side of the table. Bryan’s a great chef, and being judged day in and day out was probably not a fun experience for him. He’s a perfectionist to a fault, and it showed in his judging comments. Loved it.

Isabella made sure to point out that Bryan was hammered for messing up an egg during their season, and it was great to see them be able to reflect on the rigors of the competition and have a laugh about it.

I just loved how cocky and confident they were being at judges table as opposed to standing in front of it. They weren’t giving the chefs any breathing room at all. Probably because they weren’t given any during their season and it felt fucking good to dish some of that criticism back out.

Based on the judges nit-picking, it seems like all the chefs shit the bed on the breakfast challenge. Perhaps the judges were SICK OF EATING POACHED EGGS for 2 hours.

The teams Tim/Tiffany and Stephen (FUCK)/Angela win the breakfast portion of the elimination challenge and therefore they are safe, and done cooking.

The rest of the chefs have to now cook lunch.

Alex cooks the shit out of scallops and saves his team. Angelo does something pretty while looking pretty and saying pretty things and saves his team. Alex, Ed, Angelo and Tamesha are safe after the lunch round and do not have to cook dinner.

My eyeballs start to hurt as I now have to watch Lynne talk, cook, complain about oven temperature and lull me to sleep with her “I know how to cook pasta” blank stare as the remaining three teams cook dinner. I don’t know what anyone was making because at this point even I was tired of them cooking. This was a daunting challenge – cooking three dishes back-to-back-to-back had to have been exhausting. By the time dinner rolled around the three remaining teams were probably exhausted mentally. At that point, cooking can’t be that fun anymore.

I will be honest, after Kelly and Andrea won I wasn’t even trippin’. There’s no way they’d send Kenny home over some jus. It’s all they’ve got at this point – Kenny vs. Angelo. Although, Kelly is making a little run here. It might get interesting.

In the end, it’s LV and Lynne who go home, and no one will ever notice.

Quote of the night: Alex (besides the whole hookers and 8 ball thing) “I practice making babies, but not baby food.”

ICK.

Were the chefs cooking at the Hilton Washington DC? Because I wasn’t sure.

Before we get going with what actually happened, here are a few things that made me insane while watching this week’s episode.

These chefs couldn’t bake or use a grill. Most of them were whining about the quickfire, and continued to whine about using, gasp, COALS! This was by far the most frustrating episode to date. I’m no Michelan-winning chef, but we use our grill almost every weekend, and I could have out-cooked half those chefs. And, I know for a fact my friend SPL would have won that challenge. That Arnold won after copying Kenny’s set up was deplorable.

A few notes on the peeps:

Arnold: Clearly he doesn’t work in the kitchen. No, he writes menus. And wears pretty ties. Although, I do love grilling on my Weber, so maybe I need to look into whether or not it really does clog your pores. He might be on to something. He does have nice skin.

Tracey: I am going to need a clear explanation from Bravo as to how she made it on the show. Is there a psychic spinoff coming on Bravo? Is there a show about people who talk to meat? Perhaps a show about people who make back-to-back shit pie?

Alex: Oh, Alex. I can’t get over the fact that the guy looks like some kind of child molester. He didn’t help his cause when he proclaimed, “I’d wanna eat the ass out of this pig all day”, after grilling pork butt. Also, he’s never taken advantage of an intern. Har har.

Ed: He proclaims that he doesn’t like chocolate, cuts down Alex for being a slob who has no technique, blah blah blah. THEN HE MUMBLES SOMETHING ABOUT CELERY AND PEANUT BUTTER.

OHMYGOD.

Is this Top Chef or Top Celery and Peanut Butter? I loved, loved, loved when Gail asked Ed how his celery foam compared to his Grandmother’s. WTF does celery foam have to do with a good-ol’ pie?

ANYWAY, Elvis is judging the pie quickfire because Bravo has to pimp its new show, “Top Chef Just Desserts”, which Elvis will be judging with Gail. It’s definitely a clusterfuck having these chefs try to make pie, but some of them actually pull it off.

Thankfully, Juicy sent Kenny a note and he gets his first win! Yay for Kenny. I really like him. Part of it has to do with his demeanor. He’s pretty chill. Confident, but not cocky. He’s not spazzing all over the kitchen, and he takes the competition with Angelo in stride.

At this point, it’s Angelo 3, Kenny 1.

I perked up quite a bit when they described the elimination challenge. The chefs have to grill on a Weber grill with coals (it seemed as foreign to some of them as baking a pie) to make a picnic lunch for a group of interns. If you’re Arnold you call interns “bitches”, which he lets us know he has never been.

Then Arnold talks again with his hand to his ear in that I’m wayyyy too good to be grilling outside and sweating and cooking! kind of way. Actually, what he says is: “I’m not a grill guy. It’ll clog the pores way too fast” and “I’m looking four tables down to Kenny to see what he’s doing, and everything he does, I do.”

Psychic Tracey Spoiler Alert: Arnold ends up winning the elimination challenge with a lamb meatball skewered with lemongrass.

I don’t know which was worse: The fact that he won despite needing a guide to get his grill going or the fact that he seemed absolutely shocked to have won. So, at this point, it appears that only Angelo, Kenny, Amanda and Kelly actually expect to win.

I can’t say who I thought should have won in his place, but my vote goes to Angela for being the first person on Top Chef to talk about her cocaine and pill addiction during her 20s. Plus, Angelo seemed to really like her ribs. So, yeah, that would have been my vote. Unless the ribs were laced with something that lead to Angelo actually saying, “I think it was better than mine.”

And herein lies the dilemma with this season. I’m sure there will eventually be a top 4 that, because of editing, seem legit. But, when you look at Angelo next to the other chefs, it’s not a competition. Kenny is legit, but Angelo is by far the best chef there. He is able to handle any challenge with ease. That’s what a top chef does: takes what’s put in front of them and makes something yummy. If I wanted a crusty blueberry pie or a nasty seabass with raw bacon, I’d have Sanch whip it up for me.

I hope Top Chef Season 8 puts the best of the best against each other: Angelo, Kenny, Stefan, The Brothers V., Jen, Kevin, etc.

In the meantime, I will block Laef’s eyes from Padma in a tight yellow dress and Alex in child molester glasses.

First of all, I don’t need to see Ed shaving in his boxers and wife beater. Ever.

Here we go with the irony right off the bat. Of course Jacqueline is making something for breakfast that requires 8 tablespoons of butter. Is she trying to prove to the camera that despite the fact that she failed to use butter in her liver mousse that she loves cooking with butter!? Or is it her disease?

Whatever. Cut to Sam Kass. He is hot. I commented this out loud. My  husband said, “You do love you some bald men.” (Ed Note: My husband is slowly going bald).  Bravo might be fucking with me though. It might be trying to switch the competition from Boob v. Boob to BHead v. BHead (Tom should watch out).

For the quickfire these tricks are going to make sangwiches. They have 30 minutes to make a sangwich, so obviously there’s a catch because who takes 30 minutes to put avocado between two pieces of unevenly grilled bread?  By the way, sangwich challenges are bunk. Anyone can make a sangwich. Actually, scratch that. If I was tied to Arnold I could not make a sangwich because I would be constantly wondering WTF was up with the bling on his hand. Or was that a fake hand? Seriously, what was that?

The chefs realize the winning team is going to get immunity so Kenny says something like, “Immunity is irrelevant. I’m looking at chopping each one off week by week.” For the record, he’s not fucking kidding.

The hammer drops that Angelo owns a sangwich shop, so not only is he the best chef (Kenny is going to challenge for sure), he has another clear advantage in this quickfire. And thankfucking God, because that means when he wins the quickfire with liquid love on a plate, he has immunity, and thus can’t win the elimination challenge. And now the suspense of him winning every challenge is gone.

Tracey wins the lottery in a huge way. Not only will she get immunity by being partnered with Angelo, she apparently  has a crush on him and gets to have her arm around him. However, she later talks about her raising a child with her girlfriend, so I’m thinking she’s just providing back support to the Golden One when she talks about putting her arm around him. Again, I don’t know. Bravo is making things blurry this season. Or it’s this vodka soda I’m drinking to try and make this show entertaining.

I mean for real. They tip toe around drama with the chefs during the quickfire, but the bottom line is there’s only one story to follow and that’s Kenny v. Angelo. No, Amanda, I don’t want to ro-sham-bo with you to be on the right. And, no, I don’t care that you are seductively taking of your Top Chef coat in your opening for the show.

Alex is afraid Kenny will cut him. Wahhhh.

Jacquline and Stephen win the award for most awkward couple ever.

I swear to Jesus when they showed the clip of Arnold and Kelly working together I had to rewind 4 times to be sure that the hand with the giant bling on the finger was Arnold’s. I forgot what their drama was.

Tiffany and Lynne. Who? Also, what is a knife and fork sandwich?

The Elimination challenge is to feed 50 school children for $2.68 per child. They want the chefs to understand the obstacles that come with feeding middle-school children healthy meals on a tight budget.

The chef’s are broken up into teams of 4. Angelo has immunity so he gets to pick who he wants on his and Tracey’s team. He picks Kenny and Alex. Apparently, it’s all strategery because if their team loses it’s Kenny’s ass on the line, and that would make Angelo’s life a whole lot easier. Who knows if Angelo was really trying to sabotage his team to put Kenny on the line, but he did make celery and peanut butter and claimed at some point he “turned a rock into a wheel.”

No, bitch. You turned a bunk ass, high sugar, high fat snack into a high sugar, high fat snack.

Hard to tell if he’s trying. It doesn’t really matter anyway. Jacqueline, who I fully expected to make banana pudding without banana ( you know to make it more healthy) came through in the clutch to dump 2 pounds (!) of sugar into her banana pudding and is sent home. Hopefully she and John are drinking cosmos.

She’s not the only one who completely missed the boat on this challenge, however. No, no. Our resident vixen Amanda insisted on making a sherry wine braised chicken or something. If Lindsay Lohan was at school this day, then fine. Otherwise, why do 7th graders want chicken braised in sherry wine? Also, why do they want mushy onion rice?

But, who cares anyway because the only thing you need to know about the elimination challenge is this:

Gale: “What do you think of Kelly’s taco?
Tom: “I think it’s good.”
Sam: “That is a solid taco”.

Yes, I am 12, and I loved every second of it.

Judges’ table was also awesome.

Angelo pleads the fifth. He’s so fucking cocky that you have to love it.

Everyone else is trying to establish themselves.

Stephen decides he will call Kenny out for not being more assertive in his team. Kenny replies with a dig about the ridiculous amount of sugar Jacqueline used in her pudding. Kim then fires back about the fat/sugar content in peanut butter. So, Ed says “Does Sherry wine really  need to be in the chicken?” Kim says, “They weren’t drinking it.”

Apparently Kim likes braising in sherry. Gail gives that the big fat F YOU by saying, “I like a lot of things. I like vodka. Not cooking with it.”

And with that I downed my last sip of vokda/soda and wondered if I could prove Gail wrong.

Whatsherface won for her tacos. Apparently her taco was really good.

This season it’s Gail’s boobs versus Padma’s boobs.

And, correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe Padma referred to Gail as luscious. Add a little Eric Ripert, 6-inch heels on P, suede Adidas kicks on Tom, and I’m thinking this is a sexy season.

At least at the judges table.

I can do without 17-inch dreadlocks, chicken liver, and limp cucumber.

It’s the first episode, and therefore we get introduced to this season’s chefs. Within minutes we meet our antagonist, Angelo, when he proclaims that there will be blood on the stage for anyone who goes against him. He’s worked with Le Someone, been to Le Somewhere, and asks fellow chef, Tim, if he has gone to Le Louis XV in France.

We can’t really see Tim’s face during the convo, only the slithering smirk of Angelo – arms crossed, hair gooed straight up and sideways (both at the same time), Members Only jacket looking thing, and perfectly orchestrated (we’ll get to that later) 3-day shadow. Luckily, Tim tells us what his eyes were probably saying during the rooftop tete-a-tete: “This is some BULLLLLL shit”.

Love it.

Finally, Padma and Tom come onto the roof and interrupt the formalities. For some reason Padma is wearing 6 (maybe even 7) inch  heels. I do not know if this is supposed to distract us from the fact that she’s now a mommy, her scar, or something else, but it worked for me. It also alerted me to the fact that Tom is wearing black suede Adidas shoes. Hot. I’m distracted from his baldness. And lack of height.

The first quickfire follows the Top Chef format, with a slight twist. The chefs will need to showcase basic skills – peel potatoes, brunoise onions, break down chicken. In order to advance you need to be quick. However, the 4 fastest will actually have to cook something with those ingridients to win the 20K prize. This is a good addition to this challenge, because peeling quickly does not necessarily equal the best chef.

Unfortunately, this works in Angelo’s favor as he is the second fastest in the skill part of the challenge, but in the cooking portion, he is tops, and wins the money over Kenny. There’s a hint of squirrel side eye from Kenny as Angelo wins, but luckily he will tell us exactly what he was thinking when he conducts his one on one interview: “What the fuck?”

Unluckily, Angelo and his sideways hat backward also gets to do interviews. “I actually want to be the first contestant to win every single challenge.”

Now we move onto the elimination challenge, and in this rare instance it’s actually a good thing to be picked last. The chefs are divided into four groups and they are competing against each other within those groups. There are 4 chefs per group, and one person will be in the top 4 and one person will be in the bottom 4 with the possibility of going home. So, the top 4 from the quickfire get to start picking from the remaining chefs, and seeing as they’ll be competing amongst the people in their group, they’re obviously trying to pick the weak people.

(I’m pretty sure that paragraph does not make sense, but fuck it. It is not important whatsoever, and there are too many 4s.)

Tracey Bloom is picked second and all I am thinking is that she reminds me a lot of Jesse Sandlin from Season 6. Which does not bode well for her.

Notables from the elimination challenge:

Jacqueline. It was obvious where things were going with her when she said, “It’s a little bit risky, but also a safe bet.” No, sweetie. It’s one or the other. And,  if you’re making chicken liver mousse without butter for a French chef, you are fucked. Case closed.

Angelo. He continued to drop sweet gems: “I’m like an orchestra with flavors. I can tell you when it’s gonna hit your mouth (that’s what he said), why it’s gonna hit your mouth (that’s what he said, too!)”.

John Somerville. I just can’t.

Jesse Tracey: “Steven’s a little hick”…smoker laugh, smoker laugh. Ugh.

Stephen: O-HI-O. All I know about Steven is that he told us that leaving his baby twins was the hardest thing about the process, but he was sure excited about getting wastey in the stew room. “I’m gonna throw my fruity snacks on a hard 6. SHOOTAH, SHOOTAH!” Thatta kid. I’d be chilling with him while those ones who were all like, “I take this seriously” frowned in agony for 18 hours on a folding chair.

Amanda: What in the Sam hell was on that plate? It looked like a limp cucumber dick on a pile of … OK, I’m stopping there. It wasn’t pretty.

When the judges came in, it was back to the battle of Padma v. Gail, now in the form of colorful v-neck dresses. Of course, there was a hint of Eric R. splashed in the middle. The judges ate without having to spit anything out, so that was nice.

And, after one episode, Beethoven set the presidents (no, he really said presidents) and is 2-0.