Friday, 24. February 2012
Well, here goes.
How to explain the long lapse in between blog posts?
There’s no simple way to explain it, because I can’t even explain it to myself. I have conversations with myself quite often these days, and always on the agenda is, “Are you going to write on your blog ever again?” For the last month, my immediate answer was, “I don’t want to, and I’m not making myself do anything else that I don’t want to.”
I figured when Harper came along, the blog posts would just write themselves. Just as they always have. Babies provide endless material, I figured.
It’s true. She does provide material, but I will be honest: Most of the time I am barely keeping my head above water. Part of me was disappointed in myself for a while because it didn’t turn out the way I thought it would. I thought I’d be able to do everything, and do it seamlessly. I thought I’d be able to be a mom, a wife, have a career, continue to be an avid runner, cooker, writer and friend.
Sometimes it felt like all I was doing was being a mom. And forgive me for not wanting to just be a mom. I know that doesn’t sit well with some people, but I want more. I want to be ME and be Harper’s mommy. I want to have friendships and spend time with other people. I want to have a night out with just Laef. I want to head out for a 6 mile run by myself.
My life is not defined by her, nor should my every waking hour be about her.
But before I knew it, my life was all about her. And I didn’t mind. Something just kind of takes over where you feel this overwhelming need to be there for your child every second of every day. Then months went by and I hadn’t gone running. I hadn’t written. I hadn’t gone for drinks with friends. I hadn’t had a night out with just Laef. We were scrapping by eating Taquitos for dinner. We weren’t sleeping much.
And it broke me down.
Being a parent is a combination of so many things. It truly is the greatest thing on good days. And it is abysmal on bad days. When she smiles at me or reaches for me for comfort, I melt. When she cries all night because she has a fever and her teeth are coming in, I have to dig to the deepest part of my being to comfort her without getting any sleep.
When you have to dig deep and find inner strength just to make it through some days, you don’t have a lot left over. That is what I wasn’t prepared for. I didn’t realize that it would be so hard to maintain all these other aspects of my life.
I started reading things about moms who do it all, and realized that I was going to have to start making time for myself. If I want to run, the only hour in the day to do that is 5:30 a.m.-6:30 a.m. Not my first choice, but my life is different now, and I’m going to have to adjust accordingly.
If I want to have dinner with friends, or get my hair done, or have a date night, I’m going to have to let go of my anxiety and let Harper stay home with a babysitter.
If I am going to start writing blogs again, I had to write this post. I had to put it out there that I’ve been struggling, and I’m not perfect. I always try to write funny blogs, and keep things light, but in order to get back to that, I had to put this out there.
It’s a big weekend for change: Dinner with friends tonight, hair appointment tomorrow and a movie with Laef on Sunday (yes, we are going to spend $1,000 in babysitter fees, but we’re getting some balance back into our lives, and it will be worth every penny).
“No it won’t” – Laef.