Girl, Interrupted
Friday, 24. February 2012
Well, here goes.
How to explain the long lapse in between blog posts?
There’s no simple way to explain it, because I can’t even explain it to myself. I have conversations with myself quite often these days, and always on the agenda is, “Are you going to write on your blog ever again?” For the last month, my immediate answer was, “I don’t want to, and I’m not making myself do anything else that I don’t want to.”
I figured when Harper came along, the blog posts would just write themselves. Just as they always have. Babies provide endless material, I figured.
It’s true. She does provide material, but I will be honest: Most of the time I am barely keeping my head above water. Part of me was disappointed in myself for a while because it didn’t turn out the way I thought it would. I thought I’d be able to do everything, and do it seamlessly. I thought I’d be able to be a mom, a wife, have a career, continue to be an avid runner, cooker, writer and friend.
Sometimes it felt like all I was doing was being a mom. And forgive me for not wanting to just be a mom. I know that doesn’t sit well with some people, but I want more. I want to be ME and be Harper’s mommy. I want to have friendships and spend time with other people. I want to have a night out with just Laef. I want to head out for a 6 mile run by myself.
My life is not defined by her, nor should my every waking hour be about her.
But before I knew it, my life was all about her. And I didn’t mind. Something just kind of takes over where you feel this overwhelming need to be there for your child every second of every day. Then months went by and I hadn’t gone running. I hadn’t written. I hadn’t gone for drinks with friends. I hadn’t had a night out with just Laef. We were scrapping by eating Taquitos for dinner. We weren’t sleeping much.
And it broke me down.
Being a parent is a combination of so many things. It truly is the greatest thing on good days. And it is abysmal on bad days. When she smiles at me or reaches for me for comfort, I melt. When she cries all night because she has a fever and her teeth are coming in, I have to dig to the deepest part of my being to comfort her without getting any sleep.
When you have to dig deep and find inner strength just to make it through some days, you don’t have a lot left over. That is what I wasn’t prepared for. I didn’t realize that it would be so hard to maintain all these other aspects of my life.
I started reading things about moms who do it all, and realized that I was going to have to start making time for myself. If I want to run, the only hour in the day to do that is 5:30 a.m.-6:30 a.m. Not my first choice, but my life is different now, and I’m going to have to adjust accordingly.
If I want to have dinner with friends, or get my hair done, or have a date night, I’m going to have to let go of my anxiety and let Harper stay home with a babysitter.
If I am going to start writing blogs again, I had to write this post. I had to put it out there that I’ve been struggling, and I’m not perfect. I always try to write funny blogs, and keep things light, but in order to get back to that, I had to put this out there.
It’s a big weekend for change: Dinner with friends tonight, hair appointment tomorrow and a movie with Laef on Sunday (yes, we are going to spend $1,000 in babysitter fees, but we’re getting some balance back into our lives, and it will be worth every penny).
“No it won’t” – Laef.
AJ Says:
Its a total balancing act. And I understand not wanting to be only a mom. And then all of a sudden, it becomes the most important thing. I’ve been doing this for 9 years now, and still struggle with balance. But you know what I’ve figured out, even if I don’t get the balance right all the time, caring and trying to get it right are what makes a good mom!
It’s a learning experience every single day!
Yay for a new post!
Stephanie Says:
You have stated exactly what every mom thinks so perfectly. And to think that you are making hte changes now and Harper is only 8 months old…Sophie is 6 and I’m STILL struggling!
Love you!
Ben Says:
Don’t worry, none of us who know you best would ever expect you to be perfect.
Jennifer Says:
Welcome to motherhood! I think people say that when you first have a baby but in reality every day is a new “welcome to motherhood” day! It does get better as they get older and more independent – to get away more that is! There is always that balance struggle (even when your kids are 10 and 17). It just becomes a different balance at every stage.
You are doing a perfect job! And yes, you will have to run/gym at crazy, dark hours – just for a few years!
Jen @ lifelove'n'wine Says:
So glad to see another post from you! I’m not a mom, but I have a lot of new mommy friends and it sounds like you all feel the same way. You’ll figure things out. I hope you have a great weekend with Laef, friends, and fun hair!
Emily Says:
I am right there with you – this motherhood gig pretty much knocked me on my ass. It’s good to hear the truth for once – I feel like everything I read on FB and the internet is all “motherhood is glorious” and “i love my life!” I kept wondering why I didn’t feel that way. Asking for help (from family and babysitters) and going out on a date with my husband or just going to Target by myself makes me feel so much better! Sounds like you’re doing the right thing by hiring babysitters so you can have some time to yourselves – it will definitely be worth it! Looking forward to more posts about life with baby.
heather... Says:
No one can do it all. Those bitches are fakers! Or they get no sleep. But really, they are fakers.
I never know what day it is. I shower…less than is socially acceptable. I just realized today is Saturday and we were going to have a playdate! Now maybe you see why I am such a goddamn flake.
Freaking babies. Adorable, brain-sucking babies.
Jen Says:
“Most of the time I am barely keeping my head above water” I’m right there with ya honey.
Glad to see you writing again.
Jen in MN
Casey P. Says:
Hey girlie you said it all I just read your blog to my husband I could not have said it better the woes of motherhood, but women like us who waited till we where almost 40 to have our first baby may have some hurdles that most women do not experience when you have a baby at 20 or even 25 you really have not experienced all that life has to offer as for the mother who has been to collage has been out in the work force for 15-20 years who has no responsibility’s who only worries about oneself haveing a baby at 37 really allowed me to see how self centered I really was and to realize that I had spent the last 15 years on myself and that the next 18 where set aside for me to focus on someone else and with that said my life now revolves around my 21 mo old son who has my attention 100 % of the time I find myself only living for my son more times than not and somedays I get sad that I gave up so much to be come a stay at home mom and I envy all my girlfriends who are out there in the work force that I miss so much, and than out of the hall way runs my little man and I remember I would not trade places with anyone because my sons so worth the sacrifice and that is really what my life has become a group of little sacrifices and I would not trade it for anything I just wish I was able to find a way to balance all the things I love to do with all the things I have to do that would be awesome . I believe you are headed in the right direction you go girl
Amy Stone Says:
It is those who have the inability to realize that they can’t do and be it all, all the time, that have the most trouble. Its admirable that you recognize this so early on and make a change! It is just PURE denial for any mom to expect to be “perfect”! Super mom doesn’t exist…..
Glad to see a post from you, that you’ve cleared the air for yourself, and that you are making changes and moving on!
Looking forward to more funny, light posts from you!
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