Wednesday, 5. October 2011
The other day I was rushing around to find a new purse for work because the one I normally use had an entire cup of coffee spilled inside of it. These are the kinds of things that happen when you have to carry 512 things to the car in the morning now that you have a baby. I swear, the amount of shit I am constantly lugging around is ridiculous.
Half of the time, I forget what I have, and as I’m walking to the car, I quickly hope that I have the most important things: milk, phone, keys, baby. OK, I guess not in that order, but those are the things that I would have to go back for. I usually drink my coffee while getting ready, but on this particular day shit was haywire for some reason or another and I put my travel mug inside my purse (save your comments, I am aware of how stupid that is, but the plan was to have my purse upright. That was until I forgot I brought coffee with me and proceeded to just throw my purse into the car).
When I got home, I immediately threw away my purse. It was a little devastating, but made me realize that I’m actually glad I never got that Coach purse I always wanted. That would have been on the list of “shit my kids ruined” because this definitely linked back to Harper in some way.
Later that night, Laef pulled the purse out of the trash and said that it was salvageable. Um, OK, whatever. I’m too fucking tired to salvage a $50 purse so I will just watch how you do it. He hung it in the shower to dry out.
Me: “Ummm…is that your plan?”
Laef: “It still works.”
Me: “It fucking reaks and I’m not carrying around a coffee purse.”
Laef: “That might be just what you need.”
ANYWAY, back to the main point of looking for a back up purse. I found one. And when I went to transfer all my stuff in it, I noticed two diapers. And I got really excited. WHEN THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN? Why aren’t there lost MAC lip glosses and crinkled $5 bills? Why am I excited about diapers?
Oh yeah. Because diapers = $$$.
I don’t even know why we’re bothering with diapers at this point. The other day we went to a bbq and Harper was passed around all day acting like a little angel. Smiling and cooing and being everyone’s best friend. But the minute we put her in her carseat, she apparently took a giant shit. Only we didn’t know that, and so when Laef took her out of the car, he was holding her, talking to her, and making her laugh. Then he felt something wet all over his brand new Banana Republic shirt.
I am not going to lie. I was laughing my ass off. Her legs were covered in poop and Laef was just trying to keep it together, but the look on his face said, “WHAT THE FUCK, I NEVER SPEND $40 ON T-SHIRTS AND NOW THAT I HAVE, THERE IS POOP ON IT. FORGET ABOUT THE BABY, WHERE IS THE STAIN REMOVER? WAAAAAAAAAAA.”
I spent the next 20 minutes cleaning the car seat and hoping that my car won’t spell like an outhouse.
The very next day we decided to have a nice leisurely Sunday morning in bed with our sweet baby. Laef brought his coffee in bed. Yes, you already know where this is going. Except, washing sheets and doing general chores require an insane amount of energy these days. I was so happy and proud that we had clean sheets on the bed. Then Harper threw up and Laef spilled his coffee trying to avoid puke.
I spent the rest of the day ignoring the sheets thinking that it wouldn’t be that bad. Then I laid down for a nap. Needless to say, the sheets were washed 10 minutes later. I mean, the coffee was on Laef’s side, and I contemplated telling him that if I needed a coffee purse, then he needed coffee sheets. But, the puke was on my side, so I didn’t think this was the time for jokes.
This baby shit is testing my endurance in a way I did not think was possible.
Back to the “why do we even bother with diapers” issue.
After dealing with the sheets, Harper decided that she would play ANOTHER funny joke on mommy. While she was sitting on my lap, she let out a few farts. I mean, I thought they were farts. So I sat with her for a while longer, and then I felt something. I picked her up and there on my lap was a puddle of poop. I mean a puddle. All over me and her and her freshly clean blanket.
My first thought was not to barf.
My second thought was: FINE. I SURRENDER. THE BABY WINS AND WE WILL HAVE STAINS EVERYWHERE.
But, I’m not buying a mini van. Ever.
P.S. It’s a good thing she is cute.