The Swap

Well, it’s Friday.

Somehow, we made it.

And the best thing to come out of this anomalistic week: we have now walked a mile in each others’ shoes.

By the time I got home Thursday evening, I could not wait to see the girls. I realized that I had seen them awake for a total of about 5 hours all week. I came home and Laef proceeded to explain the best way to burp Reagan, that she’s now drinking 6 ounces of milk at each feeding and that Harper doesn’t fall for it when you give her tomatoes and tell her that they are red grapes.

“She’s really perfected the side eye.”


I miss getting that side eye. I feel like they both just grew a week older and I missed it. When I get home from work I have 1.5 hours to figure out to spend quality time with each of them before they go to sleep. It never seems like enough, and let’s be honest, 45 minutes of that time is spent trying to persuade Harper to take a bath and convincing her that she needs to wear underwear.

Bottom line: I feel totally out of the loop with what is going on with my family and have to debrief with Laef after they go to bed. This is something that Laef completely understands as he is usually the one trying to cram as much time as possible in with the girls. He is gone a lot, and now I know the sadness he must feel when he comes home and the girls are already sleeping. It sucks.

On the other hand, walking in the door and seeing Laef holding a crying baby while explaining to Harper that she can not have chocolate for dinner hit right at home. I’m not home for 30 seconds before he starts in:

“Reagan is ready for bath, but I’m trying to hold her off a little longer. Harps hasn’t eaten anything, and did you know she doesn’t like tomatoes? I was thinking of making the Parmesean meatloaf for dinner, does that sound good? And, by the way, Reagan doesn’t like to be burped while sitting down and she’s eating way more now and I think we should have her nap in the crib and not the swing. Oh, also, I found out today that Harper’s accidents at daycare are typically at nap time, and that she has milk because all the other kids have milk and they don’t know how to single her out. Did you know we only have two size 2 nipples? I went to Target, but they didn’t have any.”

Halfway through this discourse I realize: Oh my God, he’s been home all day by himself with a 2 month old with no one to talk to. He is so happy to have someone to talk to.

I feel his pain at my core. I look around and see everything in disarray because as every parent knows, we are now in the Witching Hour and things are teetering ever so slightly, and I have come home just in time to tag team the whole mess that is about to take place between now and bed time. You can see it on his face that he’s been holding things together, and the relief of me waking through the door is palpable.

Bottom line: Laef actually muttered the words, “I’m struggling to do what you do.” He now has a firm understanding as to why  he sometimes gets a call from me at 6 p.m. where I’m basically a lunatic and t-minus from taking a swig straight from the vodka bottle, “BUT SERIOUSLY. WHEN THE FUCK ARE YOU COMING HOME? COME HOME NOW.”

So, in a lot of ways this week was really good for everyone. But perhaps Laef had a little too much time at  home by himself.

We have been having some issues with Harper wetting the bed at night this week. Obviously this whole Wife Swap thing is throwing her off. By day two of washing sheets and remaking her bed, Laef decided that something needed to be done. So he went to Target to get a plastic cover for her bed.

I should have known it wouldn’t be that easy.

Laef: “Just so you know, plastic bed covers at Target started at $40.”
Me: “Oh, OK. Well, we can just see if she gets better.”
Laef: “Go look at her bed.”

I proceed with caution and as I sit on her bed, I hear the loudest sound of crinkling plastic I have ever heard. I lift up the sheet and all I see is a clear plastic something with little ring holes all along the edge.

Laef (with a look of utmost pride): “It’s a shower curtain liner. It was $3.”

He seriously can not help himself with this shit.

Life returns to normal on Monday. And by normal I mean let’s just try to survive.

This entry was posted in Domestic Bliss, Laef, Life, WTF. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to The Swap

  1. hdj says:

    Put a mattress pad over the shower curtain (which is pretty genius) so it’s softer to sleep on. It’s still something to wash, but fits in the washer with the sheets and is softer.

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