Tales from La La Land

Were the chefs cooking at the Hilton Washington DC? Because I wasn’t sure.

Before we get going with what actually happened, here are a few things that made me insane while watching this week’s episode.

These chefs couldn’t bake or use a grill. Most of them were whining about the quickfire, and continued to whine about using, gasp, COALS! This was by far the most frustrating episode to date. I’m no Michelan-winning chef, but we use our grill almost every weekend, and I could have out-cooked half those chefs. And, I know for a fact my friend SPL would have won that challenge. That Arnold won after copying Kenny’s set up was deplorable.

A few notes on the peeps:

Arnold: Clearly he doesn’t work in the kitchen. No, he writes menus. And wears pretty ties. Although, I do love grilling on my Weber, so maybe I need to look into whether or not it really does clog your pores. He might be on to something. He does have nice skin.

Tracey: I am going to need a clear explanation from Bravo as to how she made it on the show. Is there a psychic spinoff coming on Bravo? Is there a show about people who talk to meat? Perhaps a show about people who make back-to-back shit pie?

Alex: Oh, Alex. I can’t get over the fact that the guy looks like some kind of child molester. He didn’t help his cause when he proclaimed, “I’d wanna eat the ass out of this pig all day”, after grilling pork butt. Also, he’s never taken advantage of an intern. Har har.

Ed: He proclaims that he doesn’t like chocolate, cuts down Alex for being a slob who has no technique, blah blah blah. THEN HE MUMBLES SOMETHING ABOUT CELERY AND PEANUT BUTTER.

OHMYGOD.

Is this Top Chef or Top Celery and Peanut Butter? I loved, loved, loved when Gail asked Ed how his celery foam compared to his Grandmother’s. WTF does celery foam have to do with a good-ol’ pie?

ANYWAY, Elvis is judging the pie quickfire because Bravo has to pimp its new show, “Top Chef Just Desserts”, which Elvis will be judging with Gail. It’s definitely a clusterfuck having these chefs try to make pie, but some of them actually pull it off.

Thankfully, Juicy sent Kenny a note and he gets his first win! Yay for Kenny. I really like him. Part of it has to do with his demeanor. He’s pretty chill. Confident, but not cocky. He’s not spazzing all over the kitchen, and he takes the competition with Angelo in stride.

At this point, it’s Angelo 3, Kenny 1.

I perked up quite a bit when they described the elimination challenge. The chefs have to grill on a Weber grill with coals (it seemed as foreign to some of them as baking a pie) to make a picnic lunch for a group of interns. If you’re Arnold you call interns “bitches”, which he lets us know he has never been.

Then Arnold talks again with his hand to his ear in that I’m wayyyy too good to be grilling outside and sweating and cooking! kind of way. Actually, what he says is: “I’m not a grill guy. It’ll clog the pores way too fast” and “I’m looking four tables down to Kenny to see what he’s doing, and everything he does, I do.”

Psychic Tracey Spoiler Alert: Arnold ends up winning the elimination challenge with a lamb meatball skewered with lemongrass.

I don’t know which was worse: The fact that he won despite needing a guide to get his grill going or the fact that he seemed absolutely shocked to have won. So, at this point, it appears that only Angelo, Kenny, Amanda and Kelly actually expect to win.

I can’t say who I thought should have won in his place, but my vote goes to Angela for being the first person on Top Chef to talk about her cocaine and pill addiction during her 20s. Plus, Angelo seemed to really like her ribs. So, yeah, that would have been my vote. Unless the ribs were laced with something that lead to Angelo actually saying, “I think it was better than mine.”

And herein lies the dilemma with this season. I’m sure there will eventually be a top 4 that, because of editing, seem legit. But, when you look at Angelo next to the other chefs, it’s not a competition. Kenny is legit, but Angelo is by far the best chef there. He is able to handle any challenge with ease. That’s what a top chef does: takes what’s put in front of them and makes something yummy. If I wanted a crusty blueberry pie or a nasty seabass with raw bacon, I’d have Sanch whip it up for me.

I hope Top Chef Season 8 puts the best of the best against each other: Angelo, Kenny, Stefan, The Brothers V., Jen, Kevin, etc.

In the meantime, I will block Laef’s eyes from Padma in a tight yellow dress and Alex in child molester glasses.