Tales from La La Land

This season it’s Gail’s boobs versus Padma’s boobs.

And, correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe Padma referred to Gail as luscious. Add a little Eric Ripert, 6-inch heels on P, suede Adidas kicks on Tom, and I’m thinking this is a sexy season.

At least at the judges table.

I can do without 17-inch dreadlocks, chicken liver, and limp cucumber.

It’s the first episode, and therefore we get introduced to this season’s chefs. Within minutes we meet our antagonist, Angelo, when he proclaims that there will be blood on the stage for anyone who goes against him. He’s worked with Le Someone, been to Le Somewhere, and asks fellow chef, Tim, if he has gone to Le Louis XV in France.

We can’t really see Tim’s face during the convo, only the slithering smirk of Angelo – arms crossed, hair gooed straight up and sideways (both at the same time), Members Only jacket looking thing, and perfectly orchestrated (we’ll get to that later) 3-day shadow. Luckily, Tim tells us what his eyes were probably saying during the rooftop tete-a-tete: “This is some BULLLLLL shit”.

Love it.

Finally, Padma and Tom come onto the roof and interrupt the formalities. For some reason Padma is wearing 6 (maybe even 7) inch  heels. I do not know if this is supposed to distract us from the fact that she’s now a mommy, her scar, or something else, but it worked for me. It also alerted me to the fact that Tom is wearing black suede Adidas shoes. Hot. I’m distracted from his baldness. And lack of height.

The first quickfire follows the Top Chef format, with a slight twist. The chefs will need to showcase basic skills – peel potatoes, brunoise onions, break down chicken. In order to advance you need to be quick. However, the 4 fastest will actually have to cook something with those ingridients to win the 20K prize. This is a good addition to this challenge, because peeling quickly does not necessarily equal the best chef.

Unfortunately, this works in Angelo’s favor as he is the second fastest in the skill part of the challenge, but in the cooking portion, he is tops, and wins the money over Kenny. There’s a hint of squirrel side eye from Kenny as Angelo wins, but luckily he will tell us exactly what he was thinking when he conducts his one on one interview: “What the fuck?”

Unluckily, Angelo and his sideways hat backward also gets to do interviews. “I actually want to be the first contestant to win every single challenge.”

Now we move onto the elimination challenge, and in this rare instance it’s actually a good thing to be picked last. The chefs are divided into four groups and they are competing against each other within those groups. There are 4 chefs per group, and one person will be in the top 4 and one person will be in the bottom 4 with the possibility of going home. So, the top 4 from the quickfire get to start picking from the remaining chefs, and seeing as they’ll be competing amongst the people in their group, they’re obviously trying to pick the weak people.

(I’m pretty sure that paragraph does not make sense, but fuck it. It is not important whatsoever, and there are too many 4s.)

Tracey Bloom is picked second and all I am thinking is that she reminds me a lot of Jesse Sandlin from Season 6. Which does not bode well for her.

Notables from the elimination challenge:

Jacqueline. It was obvious where things were going with her when she said, “It’s a little bit risky, but also a safe bet.” No, sweetie. It’s one or the other. And,  if you’re making chicken liver mousse without butter for a French chef, you are fucked. Case closed.

Angelo. He continued to drop sweet gems: “I’m like an orchestra with flavors. I can tell you when it’s gonna hit your mouth (that’s what he said), why it’s gonna hit your mouth (that’s what he said, too!)”.

John Somerville. I just can’t.

Jesse Tracey: “Steven’s a little hick”…smoker laugh, smoker laugh. Ugh.

Stephen: O-HI-O. All I know about Steven is that he told us that leaving his baby twins was the hardest thing about the process, but he was sure excited about getting wastey in the stew room. “I’m gonna throw my fruity snacks on a hard 6. SHOOTAH, SHOOTAH!” Thatta kid. I’d be chilling with him while those ones who were all like, “I take this seriously” frowned in agony for 18 hours on a folding chair.

Amanda: What in the Sam hell was on that plate? It looked like a limp cucumber dick on a pile of … OK, I’m stopping there. It wasn’t pretty.

When the judges came in, it was back to the battle of Padma v. Gail, now in the form of colorful v-neck dresses. Of course, there was a hint of Eric R. splashed in the middle. The judges ate without having to spit anything out, so that was nice.

And, after one episode, Beethoven set the presidents (no, he really said presidents) and is 2-0.