As our fifth wedding anniversary approaches, I have been in awe at the passage of time. Especially when I look at our wedding photos – God Damn, we look young, tan, fresh and carefree.
Like, Laef has gone completely bald since then, and I have grown an entire set of new bangs on the left side of my head.
Kids, man. They’ll knock the hair right off your head and the tan right off your legs.
So, anyway, I got caught up looking at our wedding photos the other day, and Harper came over because her No. 1 favorite hobby is looking at photos. Of herself.
But after looking at several photos like this one:
She realized this photo album was kind of boring.
“Where’s me, mommy?”
“You weren’t even here yet!”
And since her No. 2 favorite pastime is asking questions, the whole thing quickly escalated to a discussion about vaginas. Because, of course.
Harper: “But, but, where AM I?”
Me: “Sweety, this is before you were born. Before you were even in my tummy.”
Harper scanning over everyone as if they had any right to be there without her: “Who’s that?” “Who’s that?” “Who’s that?” “Who’s that?” “Who’s that?” “Who’s that?” “But, where am I?”
Me: “You weren’t born yet.”
Me: “Because …”
And then I wonder, is 3 too young to finish the sentence? We try to act normal about all body parts and things associated with them. I mean, Harper runs around the house naked singing, “VAGINA DO YOU KNOW THE COLORS OF THE RAINBOW? BOOBIES DO YOU KNOW THE COLORS OF THE RAINBOW?”
Maybe I can just say, “Because we hadn’t had unprotected sex yet and you hadn’t come out of my vagina.”
But, I decide it’s probably too soon for that so I go with, “Because we didn’t make you yet.”
Which of course only leads to more questions and her desire to “go make a baby in her kitchen.”
So I tell her to go in her kitchen and make babies, which is probably the wrong advice, but I just want to be relieved of answering her questions and start asking my own: “What happened to the people in this picture?!”